Merry Christmas

We got our tree up a little late this year, but it was well worth the wait.

Outsourcing

I would like sports teams to be outsourced to India. It would make for lower ticket prices. The players when their not playing could sell food in the bleachers rather then just sit on some bench.

But why stop there. We could outsource the government as well and send it to India. We would be able to turn all the government buildings into condominiums.

Any business that outsourced would by law have all their management sent to India to live in their factories, so they can make sure that the business is run right.

Let’s outsource the military as well. It will be cheaper and if someone is missing in action most likely no one in the U.S. will know them.

Guru

I went to a Guru to find knowledge and he said many a wondrous thing that I quickly forgot, but what I did take away was this.

“It’s awful hard to sleep in the same bed with someone who’s making bed angels.”

I did try to dazzle him with a sagely statement so that he would find me a true seeker rather then a trifler in the land of knowledge. I quoted a greeting card that I had found at a Seven Eleven. I said, “Learning to access my true self and my oneness with all things allows me to love.” I then looked down at the ground for a small amount of time for dramatic effect and slowly looked up. When our eyes finally meet he said, “So what touchy feely universe are you from?”

Game Machines

I went to the store and saw that Nintendo came out with a new system called the Wii.

I ran to the video game rack to see if they still had games for my old Nintendo. Oh no, not a single game was for sale there.

Oh great now my game machine is out of date.

All The Worlds A Stage

My kids and I were watching a web cam of people getting on and going down an escalator in Los Vegas.

I pointed to one guy on the escalator and mentioned how nice it was of that guy to save up all that money to fly to Vegas and get on that escalator just in time for us to be entertained by him.

Daughter Z said, “Yes and scratching his butt was a nice flourish.” Little ZZ junior and I laughed.

Yes thanks to web cams the world is truly all a stage.

At The Craft Fair

Do these pants make me look

I don’t know, move your belly out of the way so I can see them.

:v(

Sadly, more people cried at his face then at his funeral.

Mug Shot

*** X-mass ***

Just a friendly little reminder that Christmas is just around the corner. I was trying to get my product out before holloween and Christmas so I could sell for both events but, I just couldn't get my kids to make 75,ooo of them on time.

Definition of Uncensored

No Big Black Bar

How Does My Hair look?

What you say:
My goodness, that hairdo makes you look like a movie star.

What you want to say:
That kind of haircut works for only a selected few people and you're not one of them.

Do these pants make me look fat?

What you say:
“No, how could any thing make you look fat?”
“No way you fox you- hubba hubba!”

What you want to say:
“No, you're perfectly capable of looking fat on your own.”
“As compared to what a hippo in spandex?”

The Four Levels Of Wrong

1. I think you’re mistaken.
2. That can’t be right.
3. You’re wrong.
4. You’re wrong from the feet up.

Pinky and the Brain - Hebrew version

Pinky and the Brain - Hebrew version Theme song

It’s sounds like a bar mitzvah that’s gone horribly wrong.

If Lemmings Built Homes

Pro Skateboarding

Best said with a cheesy French accent.

“Hi I’m famous skateboarder Tony Hock-a-loogy. I’m into pro skateboarding, but not for the reason you might think. If one of my fellow brethren does a face plant I skitter on over there. If he’s out cold I help ‘em by removing his heavy wallet and jewelry. Then I poke ‘em and if he still don’t move I take his skateboard…I like newbies. ”


Other quotes By Tony Hock-a-loogy.
“In some countries woman don’t shave their legs. So you don’t have a wife – you got bigfoot.”

“You wanna see a fireworks display? Gim’me ah couple bean burritos and a sausage, all show you a fireworks display man.”

NEW MOVIE

Horror Films

In horror films the star is always an idiot. He enters a room with a monster in it that has teeth on his teeth, which only eat people in the most blood, and guts spurting way possible. And what does he say when he enters? He says, “Bob is that you? It’s me Dave I’m over by the door and I’m completely unarmed.” Good move tell him exactly where you are.

Naturally no flashlight, but a candle in hand as he says, “Stay their Bob I’ll come to you, boy is my stomach jiggling from all the overeating I’ve done lately, I feel like a stuffed turkey.”

He then thinks he hears something from behind and quickly turns around so the monster can now easily get him from behind.

Monsters in horror films are also idiots. Here is the hero with their back to them, the monster has his two arms raised for the kill, but just then a girl in just her nightgown comes to the door and calls for Dave. And what does the monster do? He quickly hides in the shadows. Yes a short thin girl in sleepwear scares him into hiding in the dark.

Got to have a girl in a horror movie. Someone has to scream. They start small a spider web – scream, a snake – scream, then the monster gets a good five minutes of straight screaming so you can see her breathing heavy before she faints into its arms.

This is when the hero finds that the monster is afraid of some simple easy to hold item like a torch, water, maybe even a piece of pie and Saves the girls life.

The End?

Third world Kids shows

(A clown makes its way on stage slowly)
Hi kids! How are you all doing today?
(There is an uncomfortable silence and then all the little kids scream) GOOD!
Wasn’t that a great sniper commercial?
(There is another uncomfortable silence and a few kids respond a little less sure) Good.
Wow, here comes my sock puppet friend named Sock. Are you my special helper today?
You bet Clowny!
Now let’s look in the old mailbag. Oh, we got a letter from a girl again remember only boys can ask questions. You girls must ask your male head of house for their wisdom.
(Letter is immediately burned in a chamber of fire)
Our first letter says, "Hi, can you show me what a hand grenade is?"
You bet!
Wow, see this is a hand grenade. But look it just sits in my hand and does nothing.
Now watch as I pull out this little metal tab. Now sock can I trust you to take this behind that brick wall over there?
O.K. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
(The weeeing continues until the hand grenade goes off and the brick wall shakes and a couple bricks fall off)
Now please welcome to the stage our new assistant sock II.

A Dogs Revenge

As I walked my dog
On sidewalk strong
What do you think I see
In the street
A man did stand
Calmly taking a pee.

I said kind sir
For a sir I see you be
From danger your not free
From bus or car
That have traveled far
Could pound you to the tar.

As he glared at me
He left the street
And looked at me quite bold
And zipped his fly
With a smile dry
As he was walking by.

But soon that man
Did stop and stand
And look down at his shoe
And with his hands
He madly fanned
For now he stood in my dogs pooh.

And they all lived happily ever after somewhere else.

Tap picture for punch line

Chicago Crime Archive

It was a rainy night in Chicago, the kind that comes down hard and runs all the trash down the storm drains. Too bad it can’t run all the human trash down the drain to.

I got a call from Sergeant Edward; he wanted me down at Fifth Street right away. I needed another case anyway.

I worked my way through the crowd of crime scene onlookers - Man, I hate them clowns.
When I stepped over the yellow police tape I said, “You guys are mistaken, the circus is on the other side of town.”

One of the boys in blue smiled and said, “Hay, Brad, I hope you ain’t ate yet, cause you’ll loose it soon enough going in there. I don’t envy a private dick on this one?” “Yo, Bobby boy, I got a sandwich in my pocket.”

When I went in the front door Sergeant Edward waved me over. They were just pulling the sheet over the burnt out light bulb. Edward said, “That bulb hasn’t been dead long Brad, but them $#*! Homeowners, the old bulb isn’t even cold yet and they already got some new bulb to replace him.”

Book Review

I am halfway threw a joke book called “Awesome Good Clean Jokes For Kids” by Bob Phillips. How nice I thought, a book of jokes that kids can tell each other or maybe a parent can use for an icebreaker at a function that involves kids. But then I read the, all rights reserved statement.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means-electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other-except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

So as I understand it as long as I write a book review I can use some brief quotations.

My review of “Awesome Good Clean Jokes For Kids” by Bob Phillips. You’ll laugh and laugh at the wit and humor. I own a copy .

Now to what I really wanted to say, sometimes humor is in the eyes of the beholder and something that I found funny in this book was the strait man lines.

Funny Man: Why did the bla-bla-bla do whatever?
Strait Man: I don’t know.
Funny Man: because bla-bla-bla had to whatever

Many writers would just use I don’t know over and over again but not, Bob Phillips, he give the strait man a new line for every joke in the chapter.

Here are the strait man lines in chapter 1.

I have no clue.
I have no idea.
I give up.
Who knows?
You’ve got me.
That’s a mystery.
I’m blank.
I don’t have the foggiest.
It’s unknown to me.
I’m in the dark.
Search me.
You’ve got me guessing.
I pass.
How should I know?
I don’t know. (Used two times in Chapter 1.)

If you find yourself always with a group of people that has a joke teller that requires a strait man line, make a list and keep them in your wallet. Then you can have a variety to choose from. In that way you can be more then just a person that says, “Dah, I don’t know.”

But if you are with a group of people with a well known bad joke teller in it I would yell, “wait a minute”, and make a big show of getting my wallet out and then read every one of the lines on my list none stop. This might get a laugh all by its self and stop the joke teller from telling more bad jokes. For an added flourish when he starts to answer the joke yell, “Wait a minute” and turn over the card and read another list of strait man lines.

Hopefully I have not broken any “All rights reserved” laws. But if I have I’m sorry and in way of penitence ask you all to please by this book or any other book by Bob Phillips.

Light Bulb Joke Book In Progress

Hi, I have been very quiet lately, blog wise that is, but maybe it’s a good thing. I have been trying to write, along with my daughter’s help, a book of politically correct “How many ________ does it take to screw in a light bulb” jokes.

We have not been the most fun people to be around because of it. At this point we have about 54 light bulb jokes. To get the 54 jokes we had to make up about 2000 unusable jokes that would make jokes you grown at sound good.

I think that to finish the book we will need 1000 jokes and a publisher that will not try to kill himself halfway threw reading it.

We have done so many jokes that we now just say, “how many _____?” rather then saying the whole line.

The best place to makeup jokes is at a fast food place, it helps keep people away from your table that are annoying. You just got to drink soda while your doing it to get the motor mouth going in you.

Little ZZ junior tries his hand at it too, but Mrs. ZZ just sits there as if nothing is being said. The only comment that she ever does make and on rare occasions at that is, “Oh, you guys.”

Well, that’s it for now. I feel another joke coming on and I’m sure you don’t want to hear it, a matter of fact even I don’t want to hear it.

The Hank Keene Show

Mr. ZZ and Daughter Z did this skit at a talent show this year.

Hank:
Hi folks! We would like to do our own abbreviated version of a 1936 radio show starring Hank Keene.

In 1936 radio was king and Hank Keene was one of its shining stars.

Yes Hank Keene was a cowboy singer, not a country western singer, a cowboy singer.

Now I got to warn you the songs will be doing tonight are kind ah corny, so think of these songs as a musical journey and not a destination.

Will be doing part of one of his songs and a part of one that we made up to be done by his radio gang called “The Connecticut Hill-Billys”.

We won’t be totally accurate to the time period but – wait a minute.

How many of you ever heard the show?

Can you get a count?

Miss
Oh no:
1,2,3,4,5, ah nobody.


Hank:
Nobody?

Miss
Oh no:
Ya Nobody.


Hank:
OK, well then this will be a historically accurate representation of the show worthy of a doctorate.

Hay they’ll never know.

Miss
Oh no:
Right!


Hank:
Anyway on his show he also had “Miss Ohio,” Jean Fadden.

I don’t have a Miss Ohio but I got a Miss Oh no to do her part.

All be the handsome cowboy singer and at times will step out of character to do someone else.

Back in 1936 cowboy singers would yodel in a part of some of their songs.
You might ask, “What is yodeling?”

Can you help the folks out with that Miss Oh no.

Miss
Oh no:
According to Webster’s Dictionary: Yodel to sing or call out with frequent changes from the ordinary voice to falsetto and back again.

Hank:
Thanks, I can’t yodel but I’ll have Miss Oh no do all the Yodeling tonight…

Miss
Oh no:
What a minute!

I’m not doing nooooooo yodeling!

Hank:
No?

Miss
Oh no:
No!


Hank:
No?

Miss
Oh no:
Nooo!


Hank:
OK ah folks because of time restraints there will be no yodeling tonight.
So with out any further ado here we go with the “Hank Keene Show”

Hi folks and welcome to WRDO’s broadcast of the Hank Keene Show.

Brought to you by or 3 fine sponsors.

The itchy butt phychic
If you wan’t to know when it will tingle,
Give us a jingle.

And Doris’s day old donates.
Every bit as nutritious as fresh.

And Wheat Block
If you’re blocked?
It won’t help.
No.
That’s why they call it Wheat Block.

Now Miss Oh no was suppose to sing a nasally hill-billy part to this first song.

But her own sense of good taste and what she’d do for no pay won out so she will be assisting me to do the part instead.

Won’t you Miss Oh no.

Miss
Oh no:
(Miss Oh no nods yes as she slips on a glove.)


Hank:
Well You’ll see what I mean.


(Miss Oh no uses her gloved hand to hold Hanks noise at every *.)

Song:

[C] Let the Moon shine down * Let the Moon shine down

Let the Moon shine [F] down * Let the Moon shine down

Let the Moon shine [C] down, From [G] above.

Will be married [C] soon -neath the harvest [F] moon.

Let the [C] Moon shine [G] down from [C] above.

(Step to side for solo and end song.)

F C F G C5 G5 END C G C G C


Hank:
Lets hear it for Earl on mandolin. Might pretty there Earl.

Thank you, thank you.

Now I think I hear our own Connecticut hill-billys coming on stage.

My goodness what do you have there.

Miss
Oh no:
That’s my brand new citified gee tar.

It’s a city gee tar because I found it…in the city.

Yes sir absolutely brand new…
To me anyway.

Hank:
Can you play that thing?

Miss
Oh no:
Why sure! Ya wanna hear somethin?

Hank:
Sure!

Miss
Oh no:
I call this one the Sweet Honey Dew…Melon
(Starts to strum it badly Hank puts a hand on the strings to stop her.)

Hank:
Wait a minute know, whoa.

Why don’t you play the spoons like you usually do.

Now that’s what you shine at.

Miss
Oh no:
You want me to do what I usually do?

Hank:
Yes, that’s right.

Miss
Oh no:
And what I shine at?

Hank:
Why sure that’s right.

Miss
Oh no:
OK


(She goes and gets a couple of jars and hands one to me as she starts to drink from the other.)

Hank:
Now what a minute now, what’s all this?

Miss
Oh no:
Well you told me you wanted me to shine and this hear is some of the best moon-

Hank:
(Hank puts a hand to her mouth to stop her from talking.)

Don’t say it, why this is 1936 prohibition. We can’t have you saying things like that.

What I meant why don’t you play the spoons that’s what you’re good at

Miss Oh no:
Ok.
Hank:
Oh here comes the rest of the hill-billys now..

So I’ll give the stage over to them now.

(Step into character)


Song

To [C] France in the [G]spring I’ve never [C] been.

Never seen the Roman [F] Coliseum

[C] But there’s one [G] place I have [C] been.

I’ve been to [G] Buckland [C] Mall.



[C] They got stuff you can buy there.

They got stuff you can perches [G] too.

[C] And if you’re nice and have some luck.

They might even [G] say thank [C] you.

END CGCGC

All:
Thanks and good night.

Crazy Words, Crazy Tune Lyrics: Jack Yellen Music: Milton Ager

[G] There's a guy I'd [D7] like to kill
[G] If he doesn't [D7] stop I will
[G[ He's got a uku- [C] le-[G] le, and a voice that's [D7] loud and [G]shrill

[C] 'Cause he lives next [G7] door to me
[C] And he keeps me [G7] up till three
[C] With his uku- [G7] le-[C] le and a [A7] funny mel- o- [D7] dy

Chorus:
[G] Crazy words, crazy tune
All that you'll ever hear him croon
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o, doe[G] Vo-doe doe [D7]

[G] Sits around, all night long
Sings the same words to every song
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o, [G] doe

His uku-[B7] lele, daily
[E7] How he'll strum!
Bum bum bum!
[A7] Vampin' and stampin'
[D7] Then he hollers, "Black bottom!"

[G] Crazy words, crazy tune
He'll be driving me crazy soon
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o, [G] doe [D7]



[G] I have begged that [D7] guy to stop
[G] I have even [D7] called a cop [G]
Told my dog "Go [C] sic [G] him", but that [D7] dog wouldn't [G] go

[C] But tonight will [G7] be the end
[C] Yes siree, 'cause [G7] I intend
[C] To go up and [G7] kick [C] him in the [A7] vo doe doe de oh [D7] doe


Chorus:
[G] Napoleon marched his men
Turned around and he said to them
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o,[G] doe [D7]

[G] Washington, Valley Forge
Man, 'twas cold but spoke George
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o, [G] doe

Remember [B7] Patrick Henry
[E7] In That speech, famous speech
Cried, [A7] "Give me, give me
[D7] "Liberty or black bottom!"

[G] You all heard yesterday
What did President Coolidge say
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o,[G] doe

He's got to[B7] stop it, stop it
[E7] Yes he must, or I'll just
[A7] Kill him, I'll kill him [D7] Then I'll do the black bottom



[G] When I'm jailed, upon my knee
To the jury and the judge I'll plead
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o,[G] doe [D7]

[G] Now the minuet, [D7] quiet bliss
[G] Calm and peaceful, it [D7] went like this
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o,[G] doe [D7]

[G] The Polka [D7] too was a treat
[G] Your partner said if you [D7] tread on his feet
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o,[G] doe

The gliding [B7] Foxtrot we've got
[E7] And the blues, if you choose [A7]
We've got the Charleston
[D7] And we'll soon have Black Bottom

[G] Our vicar [D7] said, "Ah, me
[G] Friends, our hymn for to- [D7] night will be
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o,[G] doe [D7]


Chorus:
[G] It's a rage, it's a craze
Everybody sings now-a-days
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o,[G] doe [D7] Vo doe doe

[G] Every goof, every sheik
Tunes his uke and begins to shriek
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o,[G] doe

Go on the [B7] east side, the west side
[E7] Here or there, everywhere
[A7] They vo doe, vo doe doe
[D7] Then they holler, "Black bottom!"

[G] Young or old, old or young
The guy that started it should be hung
[A7] Vo doe de o, [D7] vo doe doe de o,[G] doe

[A7] [D7] [G] [A7] [D7] [G]

Fill the Entire Background with Cards

This is a real screen capture of MS Solitaire when you win the game. I didn’t cut and paste the image. On rare occasions you can get that upper left hand corner to fill with cards.

Sunday School

Little ZZ Junior has a new Sunday school teacher and he seems to be doing very good in class. How ever I'm none the less concerned with some of the work sheets that he is bringing home and the sparks that emanate from his finger tips.

Greg Bennet UK50

My other Ukulele and still one I use a lot. You can get it for under $50. But getting a case and paying for shipping brings it up in price.

A humble Description:
The UK 50 Uke Features A Nato Top, Back and Sides with Ebonized Fingerboard and Geared Tuners. A Great Starter Instrument.

Behold My Ukulele

Yes, tremble in its presence! It's a Kale brand from China, and electric.

Only real Hawaiians play this kind - if their cheap and don't want to spend big bucks on an authentic Hawaiian one. And I'm not talking about those painted tourist ones- even though I'd like one of those too.

This brand new Kale has a mahogany body and solid SITKA spruce top giving it a nice tone and projection quality. The fact that it can also be played amplified with its active electronics just adds to the fun. I also got a padded canvas hard shell case; it protects the instrument in style.

Every Snowflake is Different

Pie

Uncle Who? And The Big Red Button

I went to a book fair the other day and it just amazes me how many books there are that involve a kid not knowing that they had an uncle or great aunt. Now this is just plain weird, it makes me think that either the kids really don’t get out much or that the parents have communication problems.

Imagine how hard it must be for the kid when they have to do a family tree project for school. “ Well honey there’s ……um…ah… well your mother and you of course and your brother.” …Long pause…”O.k. then. Is that it?” Another uncomfortable pause, with a rather uncertain look on the child’s face they look down at her project. “Well maybe if I write really really big my teacher won’t notice the extreme lack of family I have.”

And then bum bum bum. “Oh by the way honey did we mention your um Uncle Smithers?” With one eyebrow raised the kid responds. “Now you’re telling me this? You know if you told me this sooner I wouldn’t have had to explain to my teacher why the words mom and dad took up 2/3ds of my project. Getting back on the subject, who is this um Uncle Smithers?” “Oh …just an old family relative.” The kid looking very astonished shouts. “I have a relative? Wow what’s he like? And why are you telling me this now?”

The parents pause then not having even the slightest clue how to stall they simply continue on with their conversation. “Any way we are going to a very business related place called Fun Fun and More Fun Amusement cough Park cough. They have very business hotels with a cough wide cough screen cough TV cough in every sweet, very business like and very boring, so we’ll be gone for a week.”

Within what seemed like milliseconds I was standing on the creaky front porch of my uncle Smithers. Without even looking back I could tell that my parents were already burning rubber while they sped away to the Fun Fun and More Fun Amusement Park. As I reached up to knock on the door I could faintly hear the Yaaaaaaaaah hooooooo of my dad yelling like a hillbilly out the sunroof of our car.

I could already tell that I was not going to like staying here because every time my fist hit the worn door I heard a deep menacing echo and then for what seemed like eternity the door inched open. Then I got impatient, “O.k. who ever is behind that door, are you thinking about opening or not!” “Sorry! Goodness” said a very friendly looking man who looked like he had had more then his fair share of little unsuspecting children’s happy meals, “I was just trying to build suspense.” “Yeah I’m all twitchy now let me in.”

The outside of the house looked weather beaten like it could be kicked over by a fly. But the inside was well um clean would be an understatement. I felt as if I had just walked onto the set of a Sci-Fi movie complete with the looming aroma of latex gloves and way to much Windex.

“So um ya thirsty?” “A little.” Without another word he reached over to a nearby radiator and grabbed a carton of lukewarm curdled milk. “ Help yourself.” He said tossing it over. “You first.” I said tossing it back. “NO I insist you go first besides I know where its been.” As the man left the room I put the milk carton back on the radiator.

Following the man out of the room being careful not to be heard I shouted “ hey Uncle Smithers! What do ya do for fun around here?” “ Oh, Well, if your that interested around this time I usually go and pick out the flies from the bowels of the vicious gut worm. Oh and don’t forget to leave your shoes by the door I hate a dirty floor.” Murmuring to myself I said, “could a fooled me.”

Stepping through a blinking portal looking thingy that was making some rather odd noises. I said “Hey um Uncle Smithers what was that thing that we just stepped through?” “Oh that’s my blinking portal looking thingy that makes some rather odd noises.” “ Oh no are we in some sort of strange new world? Should I start running like a scared kitten?” “No I just like watching it flash and make weird noises.”

As we further explored the house we passed a winding stair case and stopping I yelled, “Hey uh what’s up there?” Turning around menacingly he said “My room, which you are never to enter…under any circumstances.” Seeing the disturbed look on my face he giggled and said, “Follow me.” walking up the exact same staircase.

We reached the top of the staircase and I stood wide-eyed at the great door that stood in our way. “Let me just unlock it.” Reaching over to a hook rack that had a giant key ring with a single key he proceeded to kick the door down. Once on the other side he turned back and used the key to lock the door.

As the lights suddenly shot on I noticed that a crowd of the cutest looking bunnies had just grouped around me, with the biggest anime eyes you would ever hope to see. I reached down and said in baby talk, “Oh aren’t you guys just so precious.” Just as I was about to pet one they all smiled bearing teeth that were practically the size of each of their plump and fluffy heads. “ Heh heh excuse me I meant aren’t you guys just so mutant.” I said in the same baby voice.

Uncle Smithers began to show me more and more of his home. Occasionally I would look behind me and at least one of those lovely bunnies was following us but every time I tried to pet one It would bare its teeth and drool would slowly emanate from its mouth and it would get and evil look in it’s eye. A look that says “you look tasty.” Finally we came to an object under a sheet. “Hey what’s under this?” “I’ll explain it when you’re older.” “But I’m only staying for a week.” “Oh yeah right, um if I say it’s just a really big party hat will you be satisfied?” “That all depends, Is it a really big party hat?” “Um….Hey did I ever tell you about my growth?” With a fairly disturbed look I replied, “Lets keep walking.”

As we neared the end of our tour of the house I began to try to convince Uncle Smithers to let me see what was under the sheet. “Say uh Uncle Smithers you do know that I will eventually try to see what is under that sheet? Don’t you? And unless you tell me what it is I will go and find out. Which will lead to the pushing of buttons and flicking of switches until something significant happens. Even if that something significant just so happens to be a rift in the time space continuum resulting in the entire human race having tentacles instead of arms.”
Looking at me with that know-it-all look everybody eventually gets by an older sibling he said, “You say this like you know what is going to happen.” “Oh I do this sort of thing always happens in stories when a young individual goes to the house of a relative they didn’t even know existed. Strange it’s a lot like this.”

It took the rest of the night to persuade Uncle Smithers to let me see what was under the sheet. “Oh alright alright I’ll let you see it but don’t be surprised if your head turns into a potato.” “WHAT!” “I said don’t be surprised.” “I know what you said I heard you, would you rather I have said Oh my word.” “Oh that has a nice ring to it, would you mind.”

On the way back up to the strange object Uncle Smithers got the young girl into a lengthy conversation about potatoes. “You wouldn’t happen to be allergic to potatoes would you? By the way if I told you that you could eat nothing but potatoes for the rest of your life how would you respond?” And so on and so forth.

Finally entering the room that looked as if Uncle Smithers had prepared it for this very moment he mentioned, ”By the way If all the furnishings in the house begin to take on the appearance of potatoes simply scream.” “ Oh don’t worry you’ll be the first person to find out.”

With a quick flick of his wrist he wrenched the sheet off revealing his creation. I have never seen so many buttons and flashing light thingies in all my (quickly counts on fingers) one two thirteen years of living.

Imagine how many buttons there are on a computer keyboard now imagine sticking seven of those together and multiplying by 42 and that will give you a rough guess of the buttons on the left side of the machine.

I asked him “What is this thing? I don’t even know if it can be classified as a thing.” “Well I said I’d show you what it was I didn’t say I’d tell you what it was.” “This is to much.” Sitting down on what I thought was a red stool the contraption immediately sprung to life. That was a button. Go figure. And it wasn’t just any button it was a button that had a big sign over it that read ‘do not press under any circumstances’.

The machine began to slowly emit a sucking sound. “What is it?” “Oh Its my vacuum.” “A vacuum? That’s all this thing is? “Yes but not just any vacuum. It’s a self-propelled mechanical vacuum. For every room in the house.” “But why so many buttons?” “Hey I have a really big house!”

With a sigh of relief I leaned up against the already pushed big red button. “Whew that’s a relief, I thought something bad was going to happen.” “Oh yeah something bad is going to happen but uh um might I say you have very nice taste, you didn’t go for any old button you went right for the big red one.”

Suddenly the entire house began to shake tremendously. “What in the world is going on!” The girl screamed at the top of her lungs. “Oh Uh there’s something going on? I hadn’t noticed. Oh and by the way you do realize you turned on every vacuum in this house?” “That’s what I’m talking about.”

“Well you know I like a clean house. I’ve just never tried to vacuum every room at once before so if this works and we don’t die in the process you will have just circumnavigated the cough fatal cough flaw in my machine.” “So do you think we’ll live.” “Nope not a chance, care for some tea? I just happen to keep some in this closet but I’ve never actually been up high enough to reach it.” At this very moment the girl found herself up 10 feet in the air thanks to the gently wafting breezes of the psychotic sucking machine 10 feet below.

Thinking fast the girl clawed madly at both Uncle Smithers and the door to the closet eventually managing to get them inside. Slamming the door behind them she began to yell, “Why on earth would you put a closet half way up the wall?” “That’s where I built It I didn’t think I’d actually use it. I’m terribly British you know, but I don’t like tea.”

“Is there any way to turn it off?” “Well I could enter an algorithmic labyrinth of codes or I could just pull on the plug in the wall here.” “Lets try that plug thing you mentioned.” “Hey that might be crazy enough to work.” And it did the machine had begun to whir slower and slower until it finally stopped.

Opening the door to the closet we both began to throw tea bags out and on the spot where we guessed we would land. And it almost worked, I didn’t cry as long as I would have if there weren’t any tea bags to land on.

As we left the room the occasional bunny would plummet to the ground and land with a sickening thud that would make any veterinarian writhe.

The next few days were the strangest I have ever had. Uncle Smithers and I had button-pushing tournaments in which we would both go up to the not so mysterious machine and push buttons until our fingers hurt. And it was quite amusing to hear all the whizzes and pops the vacuum made and I loved watching the bunnies twitch at the very sight of the vacuum after the adventure we had had just a couple days ago.

The day for my parents to come and pick me up had finally come and Uncle Smithers and I were waiting on the front porch. “Hey uh Uncle Smithers what was all that stuff about potatoes you were talking about before we turned on the vacuum that first time?” “Oh that, well it seems there’s a side effect with that vacuum, I think it tears a whole in the very fabric of time. So much so that occasionally some objects of mine turn into potatoes. Not very often though usually its just mutant bunnies.”

As I pondered about what Uncle Smithers had just said I reached into my pocket to get my yoyo to pass the time, but when I pulled it out I found I was holding a potato.

The end?

What Smells

If you’re a guy and you know anything about women – which you don’t - you will at sometime hear them say, “what smells?” or “Smell this. Does it smell bad to you,” and that’s just the nice ones. Yes, you learn quickly that the ladies have an amazing obsession with odors.

With this being said, how on earth can they stand going to get their hair done at the beauty parlor?

Recently I went to a beauty parlor to get a gift certificate and every nose hair I had fell out. I had trouble getting my wallet out of my pocket; at first I just thought it was a case of butterfingers, no such luck temporary nerve damage from the fumes. After I left the hair salon I hacked and coughed up a part of my lung – like a wino. The fowl smell kept me from driving home right away because of my temporary blindness.

In hindsight maybe that’s why women always have to ask, “Does this smell?”

Web Space

As I talked to Mr. Big Harry Deal

I told him,” I sometimes dream I’m getting up to go to work when in fact I’m still in bed.” “Yes that’s bad,” he said, “but I some times dream I’m dreaming that I’m getting up for work and it’s very hard to wakeup from the dream in the proper order.”

Cat Studies

After years of owning cats and studying their eating habits I have come to the conclusion that cats use condiments at times when they eat.

It’s not like they use mustered, or ketchup as we humans do. They also tend to bring the food to their condiment rather then the other way around. But still enjoy an added flavored to their cat food.

Sometimes nothing tastes better then a little kitchen linoleum with their meal and on very rare occasion a little living room rug tastes great. But their biggest use of condiment is on themselves. Nothing helps a tongue bath taste better then after eating their meal.

I think I want to buy a bar of chocolate soap.

Radio Advertisement

Are you homeless and living on the streets? Have you noticed even though you're living in a cardboard box, yours is a three ply with seam seal, as everyone else in the alley settles for what ever box they can find – let alone your great view of the dumpster.

So when it comes to homeless shelters, you don’t want to settle for the ordinary.

Here at the Up Town Homeless Shelter we know what you want and won’t make you settle for next best. Our heat is set to a nice 64° and our lights out is at 9:05, a full 5 minutes longer then any other shelter in town. Our government surplus cheese is hand scraped, so you won’t have to get the mold off it yourself.

So hobble on down to the Up Town Homeless Shelter today for a more tasteful shelter, which fits your lifestyle as well as your lack of one.

The Up Town Homeless Shelter it’s just a cut above the bottom rung.

Horoscope

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

As soon as I hit my bed I could feel the gentle hands of sleep thrash me into slumber.

Animal Psychic

I was watching TV last night when I stumbled on a show with an Animal Psychic telling their pet owners what the animal was thinking. I tried to see if I to had some psychic abilities with my pet cat.

I looked at my cat and found I could clearly hear what she was thinking.
“If you put food in my dish I will eat it.”
“If you drop food on the floor I will eat it.”
“If you want to learn how to eat I can show you.”
“If you don’t feed me I’ll kill you and eat you. You might even taste good – hay stranger things have happened.”
And with a vague gesturing with her paw, “Food goes in here.”

I gave her two cans of cat food that night I wanted to sleep well.

Ape

Fine Dining

If you’re having a fairly ambiguous meal at a fast food place why not make a soda surprise.

Just take your soda cup over to the soda fountain press every button and wave your cup under every jet of beverage that comes out. If you’re too young to read or just don’t care, you then go over to that coffee machine and shoot some of the brown liquid in also.

If your luck holds you might be able to slip it to your sister.

It’s called soda surprise after the inventor of the beverage said when drinking some, ”Yuuuggghhha! It’s a surprise I didn’t throw up!”

Obscure Bands

Everyone should have a favorite band that never hit it big. For me it’s Gentle Giant. You might have to find a different band to like, but it is nice to show a little musical depth in a pop cultural world.

You will still run into someone that only listens to classical music that will be woefully unimpressed with this. So keep at least one very obscure classical music CD in your collection and a card in your wallet with its liner notes to read to them. Ask them if they have any favorite string octets. If they say yes or no say, “Oh” dismissively, “you looked like a string octet liker to me – maybe you would rather talk about football?”

About CDs

These are not a standard rule but seem to ring true.
1. The first song on a CD will be the most up-tempo song on the CD and the last song will be the slowest and saddest song on the CD. If the first song is slow and sad the last song will be even slower and sadder.
2. Most soundtracks are best of various artists. There are soundtracks of the scores written for movies, but the best of various artists soundtracks are the ones that make money.
3. Classical music doesn’t sell as well as popular music, but popular music is always being replaced because of boredom. So Classical music sells less but lasts longer. And popular music sells better for a shorter time.
4. If you really like a song it never sells well.
5. If you hate a song with every fiber of your being that will be the only song the radio ever seems to play.
6. CD cases shatter like fine bone china.

Don't Copy Anything

I did it! I figured out how to stop copyright problems with music, software, and printing. Make it illegal to copy anything at all even for record companies, computer software companies, and printers. Yes, even companies would only be able to make one CD, Software, or Book. Any other one but that first one would be a copy. When everything is illegal everyone will have to look the other way.