Peking Duck

Dad you can’t put that on the blog!
Why?
It’s just not politically correct.
Ok then how about this?

Dad you just don’t get it, you’re making a stereotype.
You mean it’s derogatory?!
Yes!
But, it was just a joke about a Chinese menu item. You know Peking Duck.
That’s just not right!
Ducks don’t have teeth, but Donald Duck is drawn with teeth when he’s mad. So that must be politically incorrect too.
How so?
It’s a stereotype on people that states we show our teeth when were mad.
But, that’s not picking on one race.
That’s what makes it so bad it’s a blanket generalization.
But that’s ok, just as long as you don’t pick on just one culture.
Ok then, please don’t look at this post everyone.
Dad you have to remove it!
But I’m making a blanket generalization that people are smart enough to not look at this post.
But, dad you can’t think everyone is going to not look at this post.
Now who’s being politically incorrect. Daughter, I’m ashamed of you.
And I you.

Oh Boy

Daughter ZZ drew this “like totally cute” guy.
She’s not boy crazy, but I’m a dad and have, hate boys syndrome.
My dad told me when I was dating that no one was good enough for someone else’s daughter, at the time I laughed, but you know, he was right.

Psychic

For every great psychic that can foretell grand and amazing things there must also be a psychic with lesser grand predictions.

For every Edgar Cayce, there must be someone with the ability to tell you what cartoon Nick will show next without any hints.

For every Nostradamus, there must also be someone that can tell you when your butt will itch next.

You have reached the iiiitchy Butt Psychic. Oh no don’t say a word Tuesday at 2, Okay Bye.
Yes, hello, you have reached the iiiitchy Butt Psychic. Oh…oh my no, don’t go to church this Sunday. I foresee a fifteen in a row doozy, Okay Bye.
Yes, hello…oh man. You gonna have a deep one, might want to cancel that date. Oh boy, I pity you.

Another grand product of my imagination is the Birdie Turdie Psychic (which sounds funnier with a cheesy fake Swedish accent).
Jes, hellooooo, you have reached Da Birdieee Turdie Psychic. Oh 5:30, have umbrella ready, biiig umbrella
Jes, hellooooo, O you better stay inside today, or you be as white as snowman.
Jes, hellooooo, ohhh, I see da great Moby Pigeon. You might wanna say your prayers NOW.

Sadly I don’t have any psychic abilities, other than knowing when I’m hungry. Oh, I foresee a cheese sandwich at lunch today.

I decided to write my own Japanese cartoon show,

Storm Force 6.
· They vote 6 members in (with much debate).
· Then 3 leave because they can’t stand the glasses and headsets.
· Next Bob leaves over the logo, starting a new show with the same name.
· The show with the 2 members fight about who should be in charge with every episode ending in a draw
· The other show has the main character trying to think of how he can better himself and maybe change his logo (He will have lots of thought dialog, so I don’t have to move his mouth).

Season two
· A girl will be added to the team with 2 members and they will fight to win her love.
· Bob will try to join the first show again (there will always be a reason not to let him back).
· This will make Bob’s show easier to write, with just stills of him looking at pictures of the girl (I won’t even have to animate that show anymore).

Teenager

Hubba Hubba

Breakfast Will Never Be The Same…

Church Drawings

The ZZ family’s Church has a kid activity page that they hand out. We all take one and change them as best we can. Sadly some of them, ok most of them aren’t very Christian.

Hi and how are you today

When a salesperson calls you on the phone,

you think they look like this…

But really they look like this.

P.S. Space aliens look just like us, but with minor differences.

UFO

Ask anyone if they believe we're the only life in the universe and they will tell you, “No there just has to be more life in space then just us.” Then ask if they think they’ve ever been here on earth, “Sure they have, that’s why there are so many U.F.O. sightings.” But then tell that same person that you saw a space alien land in the woods and they will think you’re nuts.

So you can believe in Aliens from space, but you can’t ever see one.

From the Hackenthorpe Book of Lies, 1963 edition:

Did you know ....

In the script for the 1941 film "Citizen Kane", the sled, "Rosebud", was originally named "Mr. Sled". Some felt that this eliminated some of the film's suspense and intrigue. However, during screenings for Hollywood liberals, many of them jumped up from their seats yelling "I figured it out - Mr. Sled was the Sled!"

Alfred Hitchcock 1963 movie "The Birds" was originally titled "The cows" and was to be done with ponies dressed as (you might have guessed) cows. After only one day of shooting in the can it was apparent the ponies' poo just was too much to take. Alfred Hitchcock was quoted as saying, "We changed to birds sure they poo but you can wipe it off.

The Welch Historical Society

Welcome to this evenings meeting of the Welch Historical Society for our township.
Well let’s just start our lecture.
First slide please.
*Click!*
This is the town bridge that was built in 1878. It was designed and constructed entirely without any Welch assistance.
Next slide please.
*Click!*
Ah, this is Memorial Hall built in recognition of all the brave men that fought in the Civil War.
The township sent over 1500 brave souls to battle none of which were Welch.

The R.G.A.

*Knock, knock, knock!*
Yes?
Hi, we’re from the R.G.A.
What’s that?
The rampaging Gorilla assassins control board. Have you been having any trouble with Gorilla infestations?
Of course not!
Mind if we come in and check, your neighbor had a real bad infestation.
What?!
Yeah, we’re bringing a Gorilla out of there now.
That’s not a Gorilla that’s my neighbor, he just happens to be kind of hairy.
Well, if he’s human why doesn’t he talk and tell us he’s human?
You got duck tape over his mouth!
Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to take you in to.
Why!
It’s obvious that you’re aiding and abetting this Gorilla!

The TV Charity Drive

In some third world countries people just aren’t allowed to go potty. That’s why Support Peoples Potty was formed.

I’m Sally Slumber and this is my friend Marko, he hasn’t been to the bathroom in fourteen years. He can’t go to the beach the crashing waves drive him crazy. Wouldn’t you like to see him for once without his eyes crossed?

So please give generously to the S.P.P.
The Support Peoples Potty fund.

The New A.D.T.

*Knock, knock, knock!*
Yes?
Hi son, are your parents home? We’re from the A.D.T.
Are you the Atheist drug test guys?
No, that testing program was canceled. It now stands for the Adult drug test.
Wow, mister can I get tested?
No kid it’s just for adults. Are your parents at home?
Ah come on, test me. I’ll give you a lick of my lollypop…but, I get the first lick.
No, now go find your parents or I'll throw you in the garbage...overhand.
I’ll be your friend?
And I’ll hold the dumpster open.
Ahhhhh, come on mister give me the test.
*Waaaaaa! Thump…slam!*
Wow! Mister that was fun, throw me in again.

The A.D.T.

*Knock, knock, knock!*
Yes?
Hi, we’re from the A.D.T.
What’s that?
Atheist Drug Test.
What?
Just drink this and we’ll get the test underway.
I’m not drinking that!
Hold his noise George and I’ll pour.
Muff…gathhhh…blubb!!
Ok, let’s check the results.
*Tic…tic…tic…ding!*
Ok, so you’re an atheist.
What, I’m not an atheist!
Oh, yes you are just look at the graph, see… atheist. Don’t lie to us!
Try turning the graph around.
Oh, so you’re a Christian. Sorry about that.

S.A.K.K.

*Knock knock knock!*
Yes?
Hello, were from S.A.K.K.
S.A.K.K....what’s that?
“Sad And Creepy...Kinda”…we’re a club.
You don’t spell creepy with a K.
But that’s the way we do it, it makes it creepy…kinda. Here’s our brochure.
All it is, is pictures of you in your underwear!
Oh, that’s sad and creepy…kinda.
Go AWAY!
Okay we'll go next door.
*Slam!*…*Knock knock knock!*…*Door is reopened*
Hey you live here to…wow! That’s creepy…kinda.
*Slam!*…*Knock knock knock!*
I’m not answering that!
I think you should there's a puddle coming under the door.
*Door reopened*
Now what?
I’ll show you our secret handshake.
First I lick my hand. *lick lick lick lick*
Now I rub it in the dirt. *Flump flump*
Now just a little whipped cream. *Pssssshhhh*
Shake!
No Way!
Why? Would it be creepy…kinda?

Where I say what other people said...but better...I think

When you've had double stuffed Oreos there's NO going back

I love you WAY to much to tell you the truth.

This is not a quote, remember I said two quotes, why are you reading this?

Stop it!







Ok, this time I mean it, STOP IT!

Response to tap tap, tap tap

Thank you for putting it under your pillow.

Dear Daughter ZZ:
Can you please describe the philosophy of Objectivism.

Objectivism is the tendency, to deal with things external with the mind rather than with opinions or feelings. If this philosophy makes you happy you’re already not using the philosophy.

Response

Remember; put it under your pillow. I don't answer tapped glass ^_^

tap tap, tap tap

Daughter ZZ, are you in there?

Wow !!!!!!

Coming soon to this blog will be Ask Daughter ZZ. Knowing how shy most of our readers are we will be using telepathy to find your questions. So write them down on paper and put them under your pillow at night and we will get back to you (if we deem you worthy).

Should I have a baby?

....Ok look at this way....

get a bag bleached flour
tape it to your stomach
develop a random craving for pickles
after eight or nine months while gently removing the flour sack imagine passing a whole watermelon
draw a face on your "new baby" ...a convincing one...
give it a name
now set your alarm to go off randomly 3 to 4 times a night
for added measure make a recording of a baby screaming its little lungs out for no particular reason
cancel all your leisure activities and replace them with: feed it, change it, make it laugh, (which may in fact be easier to do than it would in reality)

!and teach it to walk! (Of course you won’t be able too, but keep saying were did I go wrong?)

after 2 years
start walking around your house saying no... no... no! put that down!

Fast-food restaurants

I remember when fast-food was just that, fast-food. You got your burger as you paid.

Now, you order a number 1 to “save time” and are bombarded with questions. Do you want cheese on that? Do you want to supper size it? For here or to go? Order for 4 and you will be asked all the questions again, for each.

Let’s not forget while you pay, would you like to give a dollar to the “some fund you’ve never heard of?”

Now, Receipt in hand we head to the waiting cluster. You know, all the people who don’t just TAKE their order. Saying “can I have ANOTHER ketchup packet, what did you say, this is cold, *cell phone rings* oh hold on a minute. Yes bob I’m in line now. No yours doesn’t have any pickles, Yes I know your deathly allergic. *looks over at the cashier* Bob’s deathly allergic to pickles. Let's put it this way…the hand will NEVER touch the bag.

Remember when fast-food was oh I don’t know, fast.

Hay, I Got A Million Of Them!

Pop singers train for years and years to only be popular for 6 months.

It’s hard to separate a boy from his dog especially if it’s got a good bite on him.

Coffee can’t possibly be addictive if I gotta have it so bad.

How do you get a baby to stick to the wall? Speeeeed.

To be or not to be, hay! That’s a question.

I heard fast-food restaurants are going to sell soup for senior citizens. Yeah! Alphabet soup…in LARGE PRINT.

Vocab

Isn’t it kind of risky to use one’s entire vocabulary in one sentence?

Poo

To throw your poo or not to throw your poo That is the question.