Merry Christmas

I'll be comin' down the chimney when I come. Driven' eight tiny reindeer when I come.
I'll eat your milk and cookies, And leave you Christmas goodies,
I'll be comin' down the chimney when I come. Now all the Elves sing!

Shhhh.

Don’t tell Mrs. ZZ, but I got her a hammer dulcimer for Christmas. Sadly I won’t be giving it to her though. I tried it out last night with my hammer. They sure don’t make things like they use to – dumb thing broke right off the bat.

The ipod Song

Song to: how much is that doggie in the window?



How much is that ipod in the window,
the one with 30 gig ram.
Does it come with a docking station,
I do hope that ipod is on sale.

I must take a trip to California.
And some songs I want on the way.
But the price is to stiff for me.
So Santa can you bring one my way?

Barney

On the kids show Barney they change kids like underwear. A delightful little kid hits a certain age and their gone.

Maybe Barney should sing a special little song when they leave the show.

Your not special your not the only one there’s a million buggers like you.
You got no skills you’re a social ill and nobody really likes you.

You’re not special You’re not special.
How can I put this to you?
You’re not special You’re not special.
A boil is better then you. A boil is better then you.

The only other explanation for the kids leaving at a certain age is Barney is not a strict vegetarian.

Radio

Hi, and welcome back to WIHS.

Today we’re doing a special salute to rock bands from down under. Yes those beloved Australian bands of the early seventies that became such an important part of rock music.

Today we have in the studio John Lendhim from the band The Hopper.
It’s really great to have you here in the studio today. I must admit that at that time in music I was only four years old and know very little about it.
So John can you tell us a little about yourself?

Why, sure, that I can. Me mates would write a song and I would contribute me own solos ya know. We did some recording, but it was our live shows that were the most memorable. Ya see I played the electric dingo. Once you plug them in they can be a little testy, but when you start to stretch them you can get a lot of different sounds from them, along with many a small flesh wound, that’s how I got this beauty by the way.

It’s not as easy to play the electric dingo as many might think. For one thing you can never get the same sounds from every dingo and they’re even harder to hold after you’ve played them once.

And if you say to someone, “Can you hand me my dingo?” they won’t do it, they’ll ask you about your mental health they will.

When you need a new dingo and you go to the pen to pick one out, they tend to go to the back of the pen and look at ya kind of big eyed. You can’t just try one like you can a guitar in a music shop, its more catch as catch can ya see.

You can’t smash your instruments at the end of a show like The Who did. Even if the law allowed it. They can still run amuck ya see.

(The interview ended at this point by a long period of dead air. Then a song by The Carpenters started to play.)

Eating Candy

I love to throw candy in the air and catch them in my mouth.

Select Image to see it bigger

Weather

People say, “Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.”
Well that’s about to change. I have been working on that very thing all my life and some of my past life. The answer is Methane Hydrate. This surprising compound is a combine of water and swamp gas under low temperature and high pressures. It looks remarkably like ice, but burns if it meets a lit match. Now at long last is the answer to that pesky business of weather. The only problem is it changes the weather into a mighty fireball of raining death.

It was a?

It was a dark and stormy night has become a cliché for bad writing. But someone had to come up with it. I can picture them at their desk pondering.

It was raining and dim. No, it was drizzling out and gloomy, No that won’t do either. It was a dark and stormy night - yes that’s it.

And what thanks does he get for his effort? He gets to become known as the person that made the classic example of bad writing.

Hay Bob is that him? Is that that dark and stormy night guy?
Ya, that’s him he couldn’t write himself out of a paper bag.

It’s one thing to actually do something bad and beheld in contempt but quite another to try to do something good and still beheld in contempt.

But I’m thankful for that guy. Just as long as I don’t use that line in anything I write I can stink, but not as bad as him.

The Wiseman

I went to an old Wiseman to seek his counsel. “Oh possessor of the keys of knowledge, what path in life should I take? I know there are many ways to take in life, but only one that is worthy. Tell me what direction I should take,” I said.

He razed his ancient head and smiled at me and said, “Come and sit at the feet of your master young grasshopper and rest in peace for the time of knowledge is at hand.” I did as he bid me to do and sat next to him at the fire.

The journey was long to his place of shelter, and my mussels were weary. As he started to talk he closed his eyes and tilted his head skywards. His voice took on a monotone type of chant as he told me of the path in life.

I quickly fell asleep and heard nothing of what he said. When I awoke I found that he was saying, “For time is the tide that washes us all. Your race is great, but the total of it will bring you what you run for in love.” At this point he lowered his head, opened his eyes and looked at me.

Every part of my brain wanted to tell him that I missed what he said, but I just couldn’t do it. He walked me to his door, hugged me, and sent me on my way. When the door shut and locked I noticed that my wallet was missing.

Pets

Many people say, “You can learn a lot about life from your pets.” They even start blogs with pictures and delightful little stories about their pets. I wanted to do the same thing.

Life is like my pet cat. Life smacks you in the face at 5 in the morning every morning with demands that must be met. Life revolves around an endless cycle of eating and begging. And what’s your reword for all this, kitty litter.

Also avoid water at all cost, and take tongue baths.

Sing Along With Mr. ZZ

Design A Cereal Box At pbskids.org

Everybody Sing

Now you can own the software that Leonardo de Vinci used.

Being developed in 1590 it is copyright free. Yes handcrafted by the old master it was lovingly made to his high standards. You don’t have to settle for some new fangled operating system like Microsoft when you can have the best of old world technology.

Leonardo Ware Version VX is more than anyone should need to make a catalog of their hand carvings and painting notes. When you get use to the semaphore flag code your internet connection will almost be as fast as a one eyed monkey typing a great American novel.

$17.99 and worth every cent, not the dollars, but the cents.

R

The Pirates Life

Hi the Captain has asked me to talk to the crew and find out how many of you are new to the life of piracy, can I have a show of hands. Hi, hi, welcome aboard our ship The Crimson Scourge of DEATH.
I hope that your new life of killing for plunder is a satisfying one as well as rewarding. We will be boarding the victims ship soon for gutting and plunder.
Because Captain Pippin be below deck right now I thought it might be a good time to tell ya that this being a pirate ship, there are very few rules, but there is one. Don’t make fun of the captains war cry.
Now moving on,…oh what yes Johnson I saw your hand up? Do you have a question? Why don’t make fun of the captains war cry?
Have you meet Incredible Mutilated Joe yet?. What,…no that wasn’t always his nickname, it use to be Pretty Boy.
Oh here comes Captain Pippin now.

Eye lads we be going into battle soon,
And many of you won’t be comin’ back alive,
But for those of you that make it threw the fray,
There be great rewards for your villainous ways.
So are you with me men?
Follow me boys! Ledal ledal llleeeeee!!!!


Shortly afterwards up in heaven Saint Peter gets some new visitors at the pearly gates, some sailors from the plundered ship.

Hi Saint Peter. Ya, ya, we were killed, in a mighty sea battle with pirates.
What…did we put up a good fight? Ya, ya, ya,…ah…no.
What…who were the pirates? They we The Sea Rats of,…ah The Blood Killers,…ah Pippin and his Marry Band.
But it was the war cry that did us in,…so terrifying,…ah so blood curdling…ah stupid ya stupid.
What…well you try to put up a valiant last-ditch stand against pirates when your doubled over in laughter.

Hoo Hooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

When good candy decides to become a stripper.

Mr ZZ and Frog Porn

How nice it would be to be a frog, for porn would be a less shameful thing. Books, magazines, and PG Movies could hereafter show egg clumped together in high grass to their hearts content. Center folds of big round eggs, dreamy music videos with lots and lots of high grass in small ponds with their frog eggs on a fly filled evening. But you could never call another guy a good well you know.

Mr ZZ and the Big Bang Theory

The big bang is much like eating too much pie with a shovel. When it becomes so compressed that it no longer can be contained under such pressure you in a metaphorical way create a new universe, if not a messier one. However I take exception to it being called the big bang for if space is a vacuum, no noise would be made. Though with that much volume you still might get a vvvooop or something smaller, for such a fast expanse of material. However why is it called the big bang theory? With all the gases that would be released from such a re-conflagration why not call it the big toot?

Me Me Me

I had made longer versions of two of the subjects in the about me section that the 150 word minimum would not allow. So here they are:

About Me I made a dark wager with a man in black to explain why I have teeth? He said to eat my son and when your eating remember never eat anything bigger then your head. And that is why to this very day I always think of stuff while I am eating and not those annoying kids in the other booth.

You’re trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. Describe how you will escape. Wow! A goat and a slinky! Why on earth would I want to escape? But if I had to escape I would say to the goat,” I want to go home now and watch the radio.” Most goats would not get it but not this goat he would start to laugh and this would break the tension. We would then step out of the well for we would find that it was very shallow. We would both go or own ways, but no one would ever see the slinky again.

I’m Gonna Ride The Bus
[G]
[G] I’m gonna [C] ride the [G] bus.
[C] I’m gonna get my [D] backpack on.
[G] I’m gonna [C] ride the [G] bus.
[C] Now that time is comin’ [D] on.

[C] Our neighbors in the [D] driveway al- [G] ready,
[C] I can’t [D] wait to go out and [C] pl- [G] ay.
[C] And keep a [D] snowball [G] handy,
[C] Before it [D] comes we gonna [G] play.

[G] I get to [C] ride the [G] bus.
[C] I get to put my [D] backpack on.
[G] I get to [C] ride the [G] bus.
[C] Now that time is [D] comin’ on.

[C] Playin’ while ya [D] wait is [G] handy,
[C] Even if [D] school is a [C] sno- [G] oze
[C] And playin’ [D] games is [G] dandy
[C] Even if [D] sometimes ya [G] loose

[G] I’m gonna [C] ride the [G] bus.
[C] I’m gonna get my [D] backpack on.
[G] I’m gonna [C] ride the [G] bus.
[C] Now that time is comin’ [D] on.

[G] I’m gonna [C] ride the
[G] I’m gonna [C] ride the
[G] I’m gonna [C] ride the [G] bus


Mr.ZZ 2005