Steve the monkey

And Fish Phish And Mr. Woofers.

Dave Drake Holistic Detective

It was a dark and stormy night but that was okay, as I was in a dark mood to begin with. Not everyone can be a debonair and suave detective. Hey sometimes after my client’s enemies are through beating me I don't look very suave and debonair myself.

 
That's when my holistic skills come in very handy. It might not be able to win every case, but if you can heal yourself that's half the battle.

It was an average Tuesday the kind of Tuesday that makes you want to have another Tuesday some other day but this wasn't a Tuesday that was going to go away really easy, that's why I answered the phone even though it wasn't ringing. Hey holistic skills come in handier than just healing yourself.

I said, “hi Bobby boy how's it going.”

“Holy baloney Dave I wish you'd stop doing that it really creeps me out.”

Bob Day was a detective on the force I've been picking up scraps of work from him for years.

“Dave we've got a messy one this time I really need your experience.”

“No can do Bob I've got a full plate today you know it's Tuesday.”

Bob gave a mirthless chuckle he knew about my Tuesday attitude for years, “You’ll just have to put your thoughts on the back burner right now, this one's a little bit messy, three of them and facedown.”

“Crying out loud Bob can you tell them to play nice?”

“You know I can't do that, but I can tell you where it went down, meet me there?”

“Sure Bobby boy be right there.”

“I haven't told you where it is yet, oh wait a minute I keep forgetting...Holistic.”

“Holistic, that's right, meet you down at the docs.

“Ah you’re slipping this time it's not at the docs.”

“Sure it is you’re talking about a doctor’s office.”

“Bingo I thought I got you that time.”

 

20 minutes past as if it was 20 minutes, but there I was standing in the things that most men would puke at.

Bob said, “Should've worn your galoshes there Davey boy.

You’d think that they would use something less primitive then a box cutter, I mean it's a doctor's office a little chloroform goes a long way and it wouldn't take much of any type of drug to make death take hold real good.”

“The Grim Reaper isn't very fussy there Bob. A little slash here a little slash there goes a long way.”

Bob said, “One nurse one assistant and of course the doctor himself lay in there, like fish.”

“So when do I get my money for wrapping this case up?”

“Ain't you jumping the gun a little early about pay?”

“Tell you what, I'm in a pretty good mood, I'll settle for dinner, but no cheap stuff.”

Bob smiled at my good deal when he heard it, “Okay big boy, so how do you know who did it?”

“Check the answering machine message 27.”

 Bob fumbled with the telephone hitting buttons like a monkey, but even a monkey gets lucky once in a blue moon. The speakerphone crackled to life, there as plain as day was Ed Grimly saying and I quote, “You botched my nose job so bad you might as well taken a box cutter to My face.”

Long story short my meal had a nice prize in it.

 

Ed grimly got the death penalty…well he got life…well he got rehabilitation…well he got a good talking to… well he got a really big fine…well the taxpayers paid it for him… Well the taxpayers got sued for 8 million each for not paying the fine quick enough.

THE END

Let us prey on those that pray about us

We had a sermon on envy today, so being a good Christian I moved to the front pew. That way all those that had envy, could see well what they had envy in.

During our pastor's sermon he said push away all those things that distract you from the word of God. I felt guilty pushing that old lady out of the pew but hey it was for the word of God.

My wife was sick so she did not go to church today, but I think she'll hear from other parishioners about the sermon and me for months to come.

The Grackle

I saw a common grackle today. Apparently they are abundant in residential areas.

Grackles are handsome, kind of like me, but I digress.

Its voice is a high ascending screech that seems to match me yet again.

Habitat: open wetlands, parks, gardens, and lawns, it differs from me now I'm usually around the refrigerator.

Range: breeds east of Rockies, let’s not go there…

The thought processes of Mr. ZZ a.k.a. Lord ZZ

I once was a deep thinker but I gave it up for Lent. Now I only think when talked to. Sometimes I settle just for a vacant stare with a little bit of dribble on my chin.

A Blither For My Blog.

Sadly new technology has made it much easier for me to write things for my blog. I am now the proud owner of Dragon natural speech software. I'm no longer limited by my bad spelling or my lack of interesting things to say because it's just too hard to type.

Now my verbiage will increase in leaps and bounds. However what I have to say will be rather aimless and pointless. Now when my daughter enters my realm (otherwise known as the living room) you'll read, “Can you change the channel on the TV” for I’ll be too lazy to edit it out of what I'm writing.

The Fourth Crash Of My Computer

My computer has died yet again and gone off to that lovely land of Texas to visit the technical support department that loves to re-issue re-boot re-everything. I often wish that the technicians would send me a postcard with the computer when it comes back, but this has yet to happen.

So with hesitant hands that linger over the keyboard desperately trying to think if they should really touch this thing or not? I finally end my vacillation and let my hands drop gingerly touching the keys expecting maybe sparks or some kind of new unpleasant thing.

 This is my computer's last trip to that magical land of Texas. For the warrantee is in a flawlessly dead state after one year. Thankfully knowing that the next time it dies it will be a death worthy of its status in my life. It will probably be given to a dung heap for its approval…only to be rejected. I mean even dung heaps have their standards.