The Crash of 2008

I had a computer crash. After some weeks of fixing (and 3:00 A.M. nights) I am up and running.

This is what it looked like to me (well sort of).

Fatal error 2793-whatever. Translation: Virus snacking on hard drive.

Accessing fix commands Matrix as system help commands.

Find non-existing tool bar and sub menu.

Find plump chicken and sacrifice it. Sprinkle its blood on motherboard while swearing on a stack of bibles never to vote republican ever again.

By a cat then sell it.

If that doesn’t work do the same with a dog.

Option: cut of your left little toe only if you want the prestige fix.

Finally you may never eat another Hershey’s bar as long as you live…believe me we'll know!

Or if you have kids to sell you can call Technical support and find out what we find passable for English.


This is what it looked like to Daughter ZZ

When jumping through other peoples hoop’s doesn’t give you that I’ve conquered yet another computer glitch feeling anymore, make up your own.

Error! Computer doesn’t, “feel” like opening the program desired.
But, if you really want it that badly go into intelx part 3 in My Computer to reload all settings.

Error! Unable to locate intelx part 3.

Go into custom menus and select base hard drive.
Press Ok and please wait…

Hear a grinding sound yet?
That was your hard drive.

Popup
Additional options?
Cardinal operating system unable to find anything wrong with your computer.
To make something wrong may we suggest a liberal shower of Mountain Dew.

Congratulations, you have just turned your computer into a really big paperweight.

For further assistance please contact our help desk via 1-800-I GIVE UP.
We will have one of our many German associates get back to you.
Be prepared for a 6-hour musical hold of the Ghost Busters Theme Song.

If for some reason your computer continues to work for 5-hours, contact Dashtic enterprises for a complementary “Stick It To The Man” bumper sticker.


One of the real errors we got was very close to this below (I should have done a screen capture of it).

Library c++
Processing error:
Program terminated file in an unusual way please contact the support team for more information.

How on earth can a computer possibly experience unusual termination of a file, I mean isn’t it just “on” or “off” anyway? How can I explain this to you…oh, I know everything goes back to the toilet. If you were taking a dump at a 1 ten hundredth of a second and right in the middle of that you thought something was peculiar. Lets just put it this way the chances of this happening are 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000… (feel free to get up and grab a snack) to 1

Did you hear that? Our computer wanted us to contact this mysterious support team which apparently has all the answers. I can just picture it now “H…hello, support team? I just got an….um…error message, saying that I should contact you right away! H…hope I didn’t interrupt anything important” And how would you find this “support team” anyway? Yell real loud? Oh…wait…I know their poised in the box your computer came with ready to pounce at any hint of computer problems.

Error messages might as well just say this:
We have absolutely no idea what’s wrong…and we really don’t care!

Do computers reincarnate or do they just go straight to hell? And if they did reincarnate what in the world do they come back as?