Thursday, July 06, 2006
Horror Films
In horror films the star is always an idiot. He enters a room with a monster in it that has teeth on his teeth, which only eat people in the most blood, and guts spurting way possible. And what does he say when he enters? He says, “Bob is that you? It’s me Dave I’m over by the door and I’m completely unarmed.” Good move tell him exactly where you are.
Naturally no flashlight, but a candle in hand as he says, “Stay their Bob I’ll come to you, boy is my stomach jiggling from all the overeating I’ve done lately, I feel like a stuffed turkey.”
He then thinks he hears something from behind and quickly turns around so the monster can now easily get him from behind.
Monsters in horror films are also idiots. Here is the hero with their back to them, the monster has his two arms raised for the kill, but just then a girl in just her nightgown comes to the door and calls for Dave. And what does the monster do? He quickly hides in the shadows. Yes a short thin girl in sleepwear scares him into hiding in the dark.
Got to have a girl in a horror movie. Someone has to scream. They start small a spider web – scream, a snake – scream, then the monster gets a good five minutes of straight screaming so you can see her breathing heavy before she faints into its arms.
This is when the hero finds that the monster is afraid of some simple easy to hold item like a torch, water, maybe even a piece of pie and Saves the girls life.
The End?
Third world Kids shows
(A clown makes its way on stage slowly)
Hi kids! How are you all doing today?
(There is an uncomfortable silence and then all the little kids scream) GOOD!
Wasn’t that a great sniper commercial?
(There is another uncomfortable silence and a few kids respond a little less sure) Good.
Wow, here comes my sock puppet friend named Sock. Are you my special helper today?
You bet Clowny!
Now let’s look in the old mailbag. Oh, we got a letter from a girl again remember only boys can ask questions. You girls must ask your male head of house for their wisdom.
(Letter is immediately burned in a chamber of fire)
Our first letter says, "Hi, can you show me what a hand grenade is?"
You bet!
Wow, see this is a hand grenade. But look it just sits in my hand and does nothing.
Now watch as I pull out this little metal tab. Now sock can I trust you to take this behind that brick wall over there?
O.K. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
(The weeeing continues until the hand grenade goes off and the brick wall shakes and a couple bricks fall off)
Now please welcome to the stage our new assistant sock II.
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