Mr. ZZ's Ukulele songs and humor: March 2006

I went to a book fair the other day and it just amazes me how many books there are that involve a kid not knowing that they had an uncle or great aunt. Now this is just plain weird, it makes me think that either the kids really don’t get out much or that the parents have communication problems.

Imagine how hard it must be for the kid when they have to do a family tree project for school. “ Well honey there’s ……um…ah… well your mother and you of course and your brother.” …Long pause…”O.k. then. Is that it?” Another uncomfortable pause, with a rather uncertain look on the child’s face they look down at her project. “Well maybe if I write really really big my teacher won’t notice the extreme lack of family I have.”

And then bum bum bum. “Oh by the way honey did we mention your um Uncle Smithers?” With one eyebrow raised the kid responds. “Now you’re telling me this? You know if you told me this sooner I wouldn’t have had to explain to my teacher why the words mom and dad took up 2/3ds of my project. Getting back on the subject, who is this um Uncle Smithers?” “Oh …just an old family relative.” The kid looking very astonished shouts. “I have a relative? Wow what’s he like? And why are you telling me this now?”

The parents pause then not having even the slightest clue how to stall they simply continue on with their conversation. “Any way we are going to a very business related place called Fun Fun and More Fun Amusement cough Park cough. They have very business hotels with a cough wide cough screen cough TV cough in every sweet, very business like and very boring, so we’ll be gone for a week.”

Within what seemed like milliseconds I was standing on the creaky front porch of my uncle Smithers. Without even looking back I could tell that my parents were already burning rubber while they sped away to the Fun Fun and More Fun Amusement Park. As I reached up to knock on the door I could faintly hear the Yaaaaaaaaah hooooooo of my dad yelling like a hillbilly out the sunroof of our car.

I could already tell that I was not going to like staying here because every time my fist hit the worn door I heard a deep menacing echo and then for what seemed like eternity the door inched open. Then I got impatient, “O.k. who ever is behind that door, are you thinking about opening or not!” “Sorry! Goodness” said a very friendly looking man who looked like he had had more then his fair share of little unsuspecting children’s happy meals, “I was just trying to build suspense.” “Yeah I’m all twitchy now let me in.”

The outside of the house looked weather beaten like it could be kicked over by a fly. But the inside was well um clean would be an understatement. I felt as if I had just walked onto the set of a Sci-Fi movie complete with the looming aroma of latex gloves and way to much Windex.

“So um ya thirsty?” “A little.” Without another word he reached over to a nearby radiator and grabbed a carton of lukewarm curdled milk. “ Help yourself.” He said tossing it over. “You first.” I said tossing it back. “NO I insist you go first besides I know where its been.” As the man left the room I put the milk carton back on the radiator.

Following the man out of the room being careful not to be heard I shouted “ hey Uncle Smithers! What do ya do for fun around here?” “ Oh, Well, if your that interested around this time I usually go and pick out the flies from the bowels of the vicious gut worm. Oh and don’t forget to leave your shoes by the door I hate a dirty floor.” Murmuring to myself I said, “could a fooled me.”

Stepping through a blinking portal looking thingy that was making some rather odd noises. I said “Hey um Uncle Smithers what was that thing that we just stepped through?” “Oh that’s my blinking portal looking thingy that makes some rather odd noises.” “ Oh no are we in some sort of strange new world? Should I start running like a scared kitten?” “No I just like watching it flash and make weird noises.”

As we further explored the house we passed a winding stair case and stopping I yelled, “Hey uh what’s up there?” Turning around menacingly he said “My room, which you are never to enter…under any circumstances.” Seeing the disturbed look on my face he giggled and said, “Follow me.” walking up the exact same staircase.

We reached the top of the staircase and I stood wide-eyed at the great door that stood in our way. “Let me just unlock it.” Reaching over to a hook rack that had a giant key ring with a single key he proceeded to kick the door down. Once on the other side he turned back and used the key to lock the door.

As the lights suddenly shot on I noticed that a crowd of the cutest looking bunnies had just grouped around me, with the biggest anime eyes you would ever hope to see. I reached down and said in baby talk, “Oh aren’t you guys just so precious.” Just as I was about to pet one they all smiled bearing teeth that were practically the size of each of their plump and fluffy heads. “ Heh heh excuse me I meant aren’t you guys just so mutant.” I said in the same baby voice.

Uncle Smithers began to show me more and more of his home. Occasionally I would look behind me and at least one of those lovely bunnies was following us but every time I tried to pet one It would bare its teeth and drool would slowly emanate from its mouth and it would get and evil look in it’s eye. A look that says “you look tasty.” Finally we came to an object under a sheet. “Hey what’s under this?” “I’ll explain it when you’re older.” “But I’m only staying for a week.” “Oh yeah right, um if I say it’s just a really big party hat will you be satisfied?” “That all depends, Is it a really big party hat?” “Um….Hey did I ever tell you about my growth?” With a fairly disturbed look I replied, “Lets keep walking.”

As we neared the end of our tour of the house I began to try to convince Uncle Smithers to let me see what was under the sheet. “Say uh Uncle Smithers you do know that I will eventually try to see what is under that sheet? Don’t you? And unless you tell me what it is I will go and find out. Which will lead to the pushing of buttons and flicking of switches until something significant happens. Even if that something significant just so happens to be a rift in the time space continuum resulting in the entire human race having tentacles instead of arms.”
Looking at me with that know-it-all look everybody eventually gets by an older sibling he said, “You say this like you know what is going to happen.” “Oh I do this sort of thing always happens in stories when a young individual goes to the house of a relative they didn’t even know existed. Strange it’s a lot like this.”

It took the rest of the night to persuade Uncle Smithers to let me see what was under the sheet. “Oh alright alright I’ll let you see it but don’t be surprised if your head turns into a potato.” “WHAT!” “I said don’t be surprised.” “I know what you said I heard you, would you rather I have said Oh my word.” “Oh that has a nice ring to it, would you mind.”

On the way back up to the strange object Uncle Smithers got the young girl into a lengthy conversation about potatoes. “You wouldn’t happen to be allergic to potatoes would you? By the way if I told you that you could eat nothing but potatoes for the rest of your life how would you respond?” And so on and so forth.

Finally entering the room that looked as if Uncle Smithers had prepared it for this very moment he mentioned, ”By the way If all the furnishings in the house begin to take on the appearance of potatoes simply scream.” “ Oh don’t worry you’ll be the first person to find out.”

With a quick flick of his wrist he wrenched the sheet off revealing his creation. I have never seen so many buttons and flashing light thingies in all my (quickly counts on fingers) one two thirteen years of living.

Imagine how many buttons there are on a computer keyboard now imagine sticking seven of those together and multiplying by 42 and that will give you a rough guess of the buttons on the left side of the machine.

I asked him “What is this thing? I don’t even know if it can be classified as a thing.” “Well I said I’d show you what it was I didn’t say I’d tell you what it was.” “This is to much.” Sitting down on what I thought was a red stool the contraption immediately sprung to life. That was a button. Go figure. And it wasn’t just any button it was a button that had a big sign over it that read ‘do not press under any circumstances’.

The machine began to slowly emit a sucking sound. “What is it?” “Oh Its my vacuum.” “A vacuum? That’s all this thing is? “Yes but not just any vacuum. It’s a self-propelled mechanical vacuum. For every room in the house.” “But why so many buttons?” “Hey I have a really big house!”

With a sigh of relief I leaned up against the already pushed big red button. “Whew that’s a relief, I thought something bad was going to happen.” “Oh yeah something bad is going to happen but uh um might I say you have very nice taste, you didn’t go for any old button you went right for the big red one.”

Suddenly the entire house began to shake tremendously. “What in the world is going on!” The girl screamed at the top of her lungs. “Oh Uh there’s something going on? I hadn’t noticed. Oh and by the way you do realize you turned on every vacuum in this house?” “That’s what I’m talking about.”

“Well you know I like a clean house. I’ve just never tried to vacuum every room at once before so if this works and we don’t die in the process you will have just circumnavigated the cough fatal cough flaw in my machine.” “So do you think we’ll live.” “Nope not a chance, care for some tea? I just happen to keep some in this closet but I’ve never actually been up high enough to reach it.” At this very moment the girl found herself up 10 feet in the air thanks to the gently wafting breezes of the psychotic sucking machine 10 feet below.

Thinking fast the girl clawed madly at both Uncle Smithers and the door to the closet eventually managing to get them inside. Slamming the door behind them she began to yell, “Why on earth would you put a closet half way up the wall?” “That’s where I built It I didn’t think I’d actually use it. I’m terribly British you know, but I don’t like tea.”

“Is there any way to turn it off?” “Well I could enter an algorithmic labyrinth of codes or I could just pull on the plug in the wall here.” “Lets try that plug thing you mentioned.” “Hey that might be crazy enough to work.” And it did the machine had begun to whir slower and slower until it finally stopped.

Opening the door to the closet we both began to throw tea bags out and on the spot where we guessed we would land. And it almost worked, I didn’t cry as long as I would have if there weren’t any tea bags to land on.

As we left the room the occasional bunny would plummet to the ground and land with a sickening thud that would make any veterinarian writhe.

The next few days were the strangest I have ever had. Uncle Smithers and I had button-pushing tournaments in which we would both go up to the not so mysterious machine and push buttons until our fingers hurt. And it was quite amusing to hear all the whizzes and pops the vacuum made and I loved watching the bunnies twitch at the very sight of the vacuum after the adventure we had had just a couple days ago.

The day for my parents to come and pick me up had finally come and Uncle Smithers and I were waiting on the front porch. “Hey uh Uncle Smithers what was all that stuff about potatoes you were talking about before we turned on the vacuum that first time?” “Oh that, well it seems there’s a side effect with that vacuum, I think it tears a whole in the very fabric of time. So much so that occasionally some objects of mine turn into potatoes. Not very often though usually its just mutant bunnies.”

As I pondered about what Uncle Smithers had just said I reached into my pocket to get my yoyo to pass the time, but when I pulled it out I found I was holding a potato.

The end?