Wow !!!!!!

Coming soon to this blog will be Ask Daughter ZZ. Knowing how shy most of our readers are we will be using telepathy to find your questions. So write them down on paper and put them under your pillow at night and we will get back to you (if we deem you worthy).

Should I have a baby?

....Ok look at this way....

get a bag bleached flour
tape it to your stomach
develop a random craving for pickles
after eight or nine months while gently removing the flour sack imagine passing a whole watermelon
draw a face on your "new baby" ...a convincing one...
give it a name
now set your alarm to go off randomly 3 to 4 times a night
for added measure make a recording of a baby screaming its little lungs out for no particular reason
cancel all your leisure activities and replace them with: feed it, change it, make it laugh, (which may in fact be easier to do than it would in reality)

!and teach it to walk! (Of course you won’t be able too, but keep saying were did I go wrong?)

after 2 years
start walking around your house saying no... no... no! put that down!

Fast-food restaurants

I remember when fast-food was just that, fast-food. You got your burger as you paid.

Now, you order a number 1 to “save time” and are bombarded with questions. Do you want cheese on that? Do you want to supper size it? For here or to go? Order for 4 and you will be asked all the questions again, for each.

Let’s not forget while you pay, would you like to give a dollar to the “some fund you’ve never heard of?”

Now, Receipt in hand we head to the waiting cluster. You know, all the people who don’t just TAKE their order. Saying “can I have ANOTHER ketchup packet, what did you say, this is cold, *cell phone rings* oh hold on a minute. Yes bob I’m in line now. No yours doesn’t have any pickles, Yes I know your deathly allergic. *looks over at the cashier* Bob’s deathly allergic to pickles. Let's put it this way…the hand will NEVER touch the bag.

Remember when fast-food was oh I don’t know, fast.

Hay, I Got A Million Of Them!

Pop singers train for years and years to only be popular for 6 months.

It’s hard to separate a boy from his dog especially if it’s got a good bite on him.

Coffee can’t possibly be addictive if I gotta have it so bad.

How do you get a baby to stick to the wall? Speeeeed.

To be or not to be, hay! That’s a question.

I heard fast-food restaurants are going to sell soup for senior citizens. Yeah! Alphabet soup…in LARGE PRINT.

Vocab

Isn’t it kind of risky to use one’s entire vocabulary in one sentence?

Poo

To throw your poo or not to throw your poo That is the question.

Merry Quackmes

Let heaven and nature sing,

Merry???

If you’re offended when someone wishes you a “Merry Christmas”, don’t worry, it’s just YTD.

“YuleTide Discomfort”

Review of Elephant Having a Heart Attack "The Movie!"

I found it heartwarming and up-beat. I also appreciated the total lack of subliminal messages, althought I did miss a few minutes of the movie when I went to the concession stand to buy some tall grass to appease my sudden hunger.

******************************************************************

From the desk of Big Hairy Deal

Elephant Having a Heart Attack "The Movie!"

Definition of a:

Deist

God created the universe, but his cell phone is always off.

***

Atheist
Sleeps in on Sunday.
***
Polytheist
Ene mene mini mo.
***
Christian
Ya know, you look like your Dad.

Blog Extra

Just about every DVD I buy has useless bonus stuff on it. So here is my blog equivalent:
The making of “Elephant Having A Heart Attack”.

******

Elephant

How is your life like a test?

The answers you like are always wrong.

How do you know you’re getting old?

Your bladder thinks your there before you are.

Riddle That Answers Itself

How do you know you’re getting old?
I said!
How do you know you’re getting old!
Read my lips!
HOW do you know you’re getting old!
Here let me write it down for you!
Oh fine go get your glasses!
How close do you have hold that paper anyway?
No, I’m not talking about pudding!
Potatoes!… What?!
NO, I don’t need to borrow your ointment!

Future Nostalgia

I feel sorry for young people and their future nostalgia.

Here’s an example:
I was driving down the road listening to my favorite rap mp3 of “Hit and Run Safari” when I became nostalgic for a burger from an oldies restaurant I went to as a youngun. I had my usual order, a happy meal; toy included, not made in china!? Come on. Lame! The Chinese made all the good stuff. When it came to making plastic novelties, from movies they have probably never heard of, to sell to the western part of the world; those people rocked!
Man, what I’d give to still be able to text, now they have those stink in’ brain implants. Now they hear exactly what you’re thinking straight from your head. If it weren’t for those I’d still have a wife.

Wanna see my blurry tattoo? It’s not about what it was; it’s about where it was.

Surprisinglyer

You might find it surprising, but girls without diaries or journals find that bathroom stall doors work just as well.

I Have More

Mr. ZZ: “I have more flashes of inspiration then you do.”

Daughter ZZ: “No, I encompass extra flashes of insight at the moment then you do.”

Mr. ZZ: “Thumbs down, I take in further flashes of impending brainwaves by the second then you do.”

Daughter ZZ: “Alright you win.”