The Welch Historical Society

Welcome to this evenings meeting of the Welch Historical Society for our township.
Well let’s just start our lecture.
First slide please.
*Click!*
This is the town bridge that was built in 1878. It was designed and constructed entirely without any Welch assistance.
Next slide please.
*Click!*
Ah, this is Memorial Hall built in recognition of all the brave men that fought in the Civil War.
The township sent over 1500 brave souls to battle none of which were Welch.

The R.G.A.

*Knock, knock, knock!*
Yes?
Hi, we’re from the R.G.A.
What’s that?
The rampaging Gorilla assassins control board. Have you been having any trouble with Gorilla infestations?
Of course not!
Mind if we come in and check, your neighbor had a real bad infestation.
What?!
Yeah, we’re bringing a Gorilla out of there now.
That’s not a Gorilla that’s my neighbor, he just happens to be kind of hairy.
Well, if he’s human why doesn’t he talk and tell us he’s human?
You got duck tape over his mouth!
Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to take you in to.
Why!
It’s obvious that you’re aiding and abetting this Gorilla!

The TV Charity Drive

In some third world countries people just aren’t allowed to go potty. That’s why Support Peoples Potty was formed.

I’m Sally Slumber and this is my friend Marko, he hasn’t been to the bathroom in fourteen years. He can’t go to the beach the crashing waves drive him crazy. Wouldn’t you like to see him for once without his eyes crossed?

So please give generously to the S.P.P.
The Support Peoples Potty fund.

The New A.D.T.

*Knock, knock, knock!*
Yes?
Hi son, are your parents home? We’re from the A.D.T.
Are you the Atheist drug test guys?
No, that testing program was canceled. It now stands for the Adult drug test.
Wow, mister can I get tested?
No kid it’s just for adults. Are your parents at home?
Ah come on, test me. I’ll give you a lick of my lollypop…but, I get the first lick.
No, now go find your parents or I'll throw you in the garbage...overhand.
I’ll be your friend?
And I’ll hold the dumpster open.
Ahhhhh, come on mister give me the test.
*Waaaaaa! Thump…slam!*
Wow! Mister that was fun, throw me in again.

The A.D.T.

*Knock, knock, knock!*
Yes?
Hi, we’re from the A.D.T.
What’s that?
Atheist Drug Test.
What?
Just drink this and we’ll get the test underway.
I’m not drinking that!
Hold his noise George and I’ll pour.
Muff…gathhhh…blubb!!
Ok, let’s check the results.
*Tic…tic…tic…ding!*
Ok, so you’re an atheist.
What, I’m not an atheist!
Oh, yes you are just look at the graph, see… atheist. Don’t lie to us!
Try turning the graph around.
Oh, so you’re a Christian. Sorry about that.

S.A.K.K.

*Knock knock knock!*
Yes?
Hello, were from S.A.K.K.
S.A.K.K....what’s that?
“Sad And Creepy...Kinda”…we’re a club.
You don’t spell creepy with a K.
But that’s the way we do it, it makes it creepy…kinda. Here’s our brochure.
All it is, is pictures of you in your underwear!
Oh, that’s sad and creepy…kinda.
Go AWAY!
Okay we'll go next door.
*Slam!*…*Knock knock knock!*…*Door is reopened*
Hey you live here to…wow! That’s creepy…kinda.
*Slam!*…*Knock knock knock!*
I’m not answering that!
I think you should there's a puddle coming under the door.
*Door reopened*
Now what?
I’ll show you our secret handshake.
First I lick my hand. *lick lick lick lick*
Now I rub it in the dirt. *Flump flump*
Now just a little whipped cream. *Pssssshhhh*
Shake!
No Way!
Why? Would it be creepy…kinda?

Where I say what other people said...but better...I think

When you've had double stuffed Oreos there's NO going back

I love you WAY to much to tell you the truth.

This is not a quote, remember I said two quotes, why are you reading this?

Stop it!







Ok, this time I mean it, STOP IT!

Response to tap tap, tap tap

Thank you for putting it under your pillow.

Dear Daughter ZZ:
Can you please describe the philosophy of Objectivism.

Objectivism is the tendency, to deal with things external with the mind rather than with opinions or feelings. If this philosophy makes you happy you’re already not using the philosophy.

Response

Remember; put it under your pillow. I don't answer tapped glass ^_^

tap tap, tap tap

Daughter ZZ, are you in there?

Wow !!!!!!

Coming soon to this blog will be Ask Daughter ZZ. Knowing how shy most of our readers are we will be using telepathy to find your questions. So write them down on paper and put them under your pillow at night and we will get back to you (if we deem you worthy).

Should I have a baby?

....Ok look at this way....

get a bag bleached flour
tape it to your stomach
develop a random craving for pickles
after eight or nine months while gently removing the flour sack imagine passing a whole watermelon
draw a face on your "new baby" ...a convincing one...
give it a name
now set your alarm to go off randomly 3 to 4 times a night
for added measure make a recording of a baby screaming its little lungs out for no particular reason
cancel all your leisure activities and replace them with: feed it, change it, make it laugh, (which may in fact be easier to do than it would in reality)

!and teach it to walk! (Of course you won’t be able too, but keep saying were did I go wrong?)

after 2 years
start walking around your house saying no... no... no! put that down!

Fast-food restaurants

I remember when fast-food was just that, fast-food. You got your burger as you paid.

Now, you order a number 1 to “save time” and are bombarded with questions. Do you want cheese on that? Do you want to supper size it? For here or to go? Order for 4 and you will be asked all the questions again, for each.

Let’s not forget while you pay, would you like to give a dollar to the “some fund you’ve never heard of?”

Now, Receipt in hand we head to the waiting cluster. You know, all the people who don’t just TAKE their order. Saying “can I have ANOTHER ketchup packet, what did you say, this is cold, *cell phone rings* oh hold on a minute. Yes bob I’m in line now. No yours doesn’t have any pickles, Yes I know your deathly allergic. *looks over at the cashier* Bob’s deathly allergic to pickles. Let's put it this way…the hand will NEVER touch the bag.

Remember when fast-food was oh I don’t know, fast.

Hay, I Got A Million Of Them!

Pop singers train for years and years to only be popular for 6 months.

It’s hard to separate a boy from his dog especially if it’s got a good bite on him.

Coffee can’t possibly be addictive if I gotta have it so bad.

How do you get a baby to stick to the wall? Speeeeed.

To be or not to be, hay! That’s a question.

I heard fast-food restaurants are going to sell soup for senior citizens. Yeah! Alphabet soup…in LARGE PRINT.

Vocab

Isn’t it kind of risky to use one’s entire vocabulary in one sentence?

Poo

To throw your poo or not to throw your poo That is the question.

Merry Quackmes

Let heaven and nature sing,

Merry???

If you’re offended when someone wishes you a “Merry Christmas”, don’t worry, it’s just YTD.

“YuleTide Discomfort”

Review of Elephant Having a Heart Attack "The Movie!"

I found it heartwarming and up-beat. I also appreciated the total lack of subliminal messages, althought I did miss a few minutes of the movie when I went to the concession stand to buy some tall grass to appease my sudden hunger.

******************************************************************

From the desk of Big Hairy Deal

Elephant Having a Heart Attack "The Movie!"

Definition of a:

Deist

God created the universe, but his cell phone is always off.

***

Atheist
Sleeps in on Sunday.
***
Polytheist
Ene mene mini mo.
***
Christian
Ya know, you look like your Dad.

Blog Extra

Just about every DVD I buy has useless bonus stuff on it. So here is my blog equivalent:
The making of “Elephant Having A Heart Attack”.

******

Elephant

How is your life like a test?

The answers you like are always wrong.

How do you know you’re getting old?

Your bladder thinks your there before you are.

Riddle That Answers Itself

How do you know you’re getting old?
I said!
How do you know you’re getting old!
Read my lips!
HOW do you know you’re getting old!
Here let me write it down for you!
Oh fine go get your glasses!
How close do you have hold that paper anyway?
No, I’m not talking about pudding!
Potatoes!… What?!
NO, I don’t need to borrow your ointment!

Future Nostalgia

I feel sorry for young people and their future nostalgia.

Here’s an example:
I was driving down the road listening to my favorite rap mp3 of “Hit and Run Safari” when I became nostalgic for a burger from an oldies restaurant I went to as a youngun. I had my usual order, a happy meal; toy included, not made in china!? Come on. Lame! The Chinese made all the good stuff. When it came to making plastic novelties, from movies they have probably never heard of, to sell to the western part of the world; those people rocked!
Man, what I’d give to still be able to text, now they have those stink in’ brain implants. Now they hear exactly what you’re thinking straight from your head. If it weren’t for those I’d still have a wife.

Wanna see my blurry tattoo? It’s not about what it was; it’s about where it was.

Surprisinglyer

You might find it surprising, but girls without diaries or journals find that bathroom stall doors work just as well.

I Have More

Mr. ZZ: “I have more flashes of inspiration then you do.”

Daughter ZZ: “No, I encompass extra flashes of insight at the moment then you do.”

Mr. ZZ: “Thumbs down, I take in further flashes of impending brainwaves by the second then you do.”

Daughter ZZ: “Alright you win.”

Test

The Middle East is
(A) A fun place to eat pork.
(B) A great place to check out the ladies.
(C) A super place to wave the American flag.
(D) A cobweb of ancestral grudges.

More Fine Art

Hobby

My wife said, “You need a hobby, all you do is sit in front of that computer all day!” “So what do you think I should do?” “I don’t know, use that brain of yours.”

I gave it all the thought four seconds would allow and said, “How about I build something with my hands like a pagan shrine in our backyard.”
Half listening to what I said she turned to do the dishes, “Whatever just don’t make a big mess.” “Okay Dear.”

So that’s when I started to build my R scale version of Stonehenge. With some minor alterations to my wheelbarrow to carry the thirty-two metric ton monoliths I was on my way.

My fingers being so strong from all the typing I do made the moving of these massive stones an easy job.

I was just about to sacrifice the neighbor’s dog to purify the structure when my wife said, “Dinners on!” So I let him go and went to eat.

While I was eating my dessert I heard an unholy din from the backyard only to find that my daughter mistook them for real big dominos and had watched them fall in a chain reaction.

Sadly I gave up on my new found paganism and went back to working on my blog.

The Tale Of Two Computers

It was the best of computers it was the worst of computers. It started with Xp and with the help of a computer shop it was changed to Windows 2000 professional. It never liked being a computer at this point. It worked like a suicidal elderly person from that point on.

At long last I got a new Computer and with Ms Vista in it found out how many a loved program of mine can now be put in the trash. But still the vale of tears has been lifted from my life.

At this point I was going to trash that old computer of mine, but thought it might be fun to run my rescue disc I made for it so many years ago only to find it did the trick and saved my old computer bringing it back to its old Xp days. Yes all the years of computer purgatory for not.

In The Car

Grown men can’t sing along with their daughter’s favorite girls pop band, the trucker who beat me up told me so.

If I was in an accident bad enough to set off my airbags I would feel cheated. “Oh no, I’m going to hit a tree!” Poof! “I guess I hit it? Man, I would have liked to see that.”

If I can’t see what happens couldn’t they fill the air bag with jell-o instead? “Oh no, I’m going to hit a tree!” Poof! “Man, I would have liked to see that, but hay, I got tropical fruit jell-o! Mmmmmm.”

This makes me wonder about clown cars. Do they have air bags or just big water balloons that go off. And how do they get all those seatbelts in those little cars for the forty clowns that come out?

But don’t worry I’m a very good driver. If I run over someone I always say I’m sorry as I rock the car back and forth so I don’t get hung up on them.

Make-believe Old School Video Games.

Below smaller handheld games.

Inspirational Posters 2

Same one different art and bigger

Inspirational Posters

Point and click on image to make bigger

Mr. ZZ's Fine Art

Sherlock Gnome

How he looks when he goes undercover.

The Half Full Cup Of Water

Some might say the cup is half full others that it’s have empty.

I say what’s wrong with the cup that you can only fill it halfway?

I ask daughter ZZ the same question and with knowledge past her years of experience said, “I can do hillbilly teeth without even buying ‘em.”

3D Anime Fun