Blog Extra

Just about every DVD I buy has useless bonus stuff on it. So here is my blog equivalent:
The making of “Elephant Having A Heart Attack”.

******

Elephant

How is your life like a test?

The answers you like are always wrong.

How do you know you’re getting old?

Your bladder thinks your there before you are.

Riddle That Answers Itself

How do you know you’re getting old?
I said!
How do you know you’re getting old!
Read my lips!
HOW do you know you’re getting old!
Here let me write it down for you!
Oh fine go get your glasses!
How close do you have hold that paper anyway?
No, I’m not talking about pudding!
Potatoes!… What?!
NO, I don’t need to borrow your ointment!

Future Nostalgia

I feel sorry for young people and their future nostalgia.

Here’s an example:
I was driving down the road listening to my favorite rap mp3 of “Hit and Run Safari” when I became nostalgic for a burger from an oldies restaurant I went to as a youngun. I had my usual order, a happy meal; toy included, not made in china!? Come on. Lame! The Chinese made all the good stuff. When it came to making plastic novelties, from movies they have probably never heard of, to sell to the western part of the world; those people rocked!
Man, what I’d give to still be able to text, now they have those stink in’ brain implants. Now they hear exactly what you’re thinking straight from your head. If it weren’t for those I’d still have a wife.

Wanna see my blurry tattoo? It’s not about what it was; it’s about where it was.

Surprisinglyer

You might find it surprising, but girls without diaries or journals find that bathroom stall doors work just as well.

I Have More

Mr. ZZ: “I have more flashes of inspiration then you do.”

Daughter ZZ: “No, I encompass extra flashes of insight at the moment then you do.”

Mr. ZZ: “Thumbs down, I take in further flashes of impending brainwaves by the second then you do.”

Daughter ZZ: “Alright you win.”

Test

The Middle East is
(A) A fun place to eat pork.
(B) A great place to check out the ladies.
(C) A super place to wave the American flag.
(D) A cobweb of ancestral grudges.

More Fine Art

Hobby

My wife said, “You need a hobby, all you do is sit in front of that computer all day!” “So what do you think I should do?” “I don’t know, use that brain of yours.”

I gave it all the thought four seconds would allow and said, “How about I build something with my hands like a pagan shrine in our backyard.”
Half listening to what I said she turned to do the dishes, “Whatever just don’t make a big mess.” “Okay Dear.”

So that’s when I started to build my R scale version of Stonehenge. With some minor alterations to my wheelbarrow to carry the thirty-two metric ton monoliths I was on my way.

My fingers being so strong from all the typing I do made the moving of these massive stones an easy job.

I was just about to sacrifice the neighbor’s dog to purify the structure when my wife said, “Dinners on!” So I let him go and went to eat.

While I was eating my dessert I heard an unholy din from the backyard only to find that my daughter mistook them for real big dominos and had watched them fall in a chain reaction.

Sadly I gave up on my new found paganism and went back to working on my blog.

The Tale Of Two Computers

It was the best of computers it was the worst of computers. It started with Xp and with the help of a computer shop it was changed to Windows 2000 professional. It never liked being a computer at this point. It worked like a suicidal elderly person from that point on.

At long last I got a new Computer and with Ms Vista in it found out how many a loved program of mine can now be put in the trash. But still the vale of tears has been lifted from my life.

At this point I was going to trash that old computer of mine, but thought it might be fun to run my rescue disc I made for it so many years ago only to find it did the trick and saved my old computer bringing it back to its old Xp days. Yes all the years of computer purgatory for not.

In The Car

Grown men can’t sing along with their daughter’s favorite girls pop band, the trucker who beat me up told me so.

If I was in an accident bad enough to set off my airbags I would feel cheated. “Oh no, I’m going to hit a tree!” Poof! “I guess I hit it? Man, I would have liked to see that.”

If I can’t see what happens couldn’t they fill the air bag with jell-o instead? “Oh no, I’m going to hit a tree!” Poof! “Man, I would have liked to see that, but hay, I got tropical fruit jell-o! Mmmmmm.”

This makes me wonder about clown cars. Do they have air bags or just big water balloons that go off. And how do they get all those seatbelts in those little cars for the forty clowns that come out?

But don’t worry I’m a very good driver. If I run over someone I always say I’m sorry as I rock the car back and forth so I don’t get hung up on them.

Make-believe Old School Video Games.

Below smaller handheld games.

Inspirational Posters 2

Same one different art and bigger

Inspirational Posters

Point and click on image to make bigger

Mr. ZZ's Fine Art

Sherlock Gnome

How he looks when he goes undercover.

The Half Full Cup Of Water

Some might say the cup is half full others that it’s have empty.

I say what’s wrong with the cup that you can only fill it halfway?

I ask daughter ZZ the same question and with knowledge past her years of experience said, “I can do hillbilly teeth without even buying ‘em.”

3D Anime Fun

Anime Drawing Fun

Baseball?

What is the point of baseball, what’s so exciting about it? A man with a stick hits a ball somebody threw at him. Yea? I tried to watch one time and I just couldn’t get past all the spitting. The pitcher looks at the batter, spit, spit. The batter stares back spit, spit. The camera pans the dugout a cacophony of spitting. Those guys could easily double as lawn sprinklers.

Then the announcer decides to hit you with some statistics, “ Big J the old number nine is got a A.B.K of 42 and a B.R.W. of 78 an over 32 for the total half season and that on Astro turf. He plays the violin.” Oh great, now that I know this, my life’s complete!

No wonder baseball and beer go hand and hand. The mind numbing action of somebody waiting to throw a ball and somebody waiting for a good pitch to swing at can make minutes seem like days.

The chances are slim but some poor outfielder could train all his life to be the very best in his position. And never ever have anyone hit the ball his way his whole professional career. You think your bored watching the game, he has to listen to drunk fans blather on about baseball stuff, “Yah, babe we’re number one, you guys is bums!” Waving a foam finger, while wearing their hat backwards (Yes grown men that are somehow hat challenged). He doesn’t worry though; they’ll all be passed out by the fourth inning.

And the names of things are so romantic like, the dugout a bunch of guys sitting in a hole. What other times do men sit in a hole? Oh yeah, war!

**********

The Challenge
One boy
One cab
One house And one bathroom!

Ambulance Training

Training Movie For Ambulance Drivers

(Have someone hum some cheesy music wall you read)
So you want to be an ambulance driver…well remember never take a right turn at ninety miles an hour, you’ll flip your ambulance like dumb Bob just did. And don’t take a hard right at ninety you’ll definitely flip over and wreck a half million dollars worth of equipment… which is usually frowned on by department heads.

Remember you want to get there before the cannibals or you won't have anything left to help (movie made to be multi-cultural).
“Ah come on just one bite he’ll never miss it.”“No! If I give you a bite then that guy will want a bite and that guy and that guy, and before you know it all I got is a talking head.”

Luggage

How sad that Luggage was strewn and kid's luggage at that.
An AOL Headline

Dashtic Stickers

Dashtic Enterprises has been snowed under for “Stick It To The Man” bumper stickers!
They have asked us to make it available at our blog. Well, here you go.

P.S. Dashtic Enterprises has informed us that the symbol that looks like a ® is in fact a P being held up by a stick inside a plastic bubble to keep the germs out.

Yea!!!! Your a first time reader of this blog!!!!

Now for the initiation "I'll go get the ballerina dress and the unicycle!"

My Snow Shoves

Many people don’t know it, (especially people from warmer climates) but snow shoveling is a lot like golf. In golf you have sand wedges for sand traps and putters for the green. Well, in snow shoveling you have plastic shovels for wooden decks, metal edged for the driveway, snow rams for pushing the snow, and ice chippers for as you might have guessed ice.

Easter Candy

We got the kids that infest our house marshmallow eggs and eatable grass to put them on. I tried eating the grass. Its taste just lingered in your mouth and that was not a good thing (later my daughter said that it was like the stuff you put at the bottom of a rodents cage). I noticed later that week the kids weren’t eating the marshmallow eggs, they said they looked a little bit too factory made. I tried one. When I opened the rapper I could smell the factory in China’s air. And when I took a bite and felt the crust give way filling my head with the knowledge that it wasn’t made this year. I spit it out. So as usual if you can’t eat it nuke it in the microwave. Even after its little spin I still didn’t touch it.

Flaming skull

Flaming skull is a band that is really neat-o.
Flaming skull is the band all us teens like.
Our parents don’t like them that’s why they’re so neat-o.
And when I get my first tattoo it will look just like the lead singers tool.

When they’re on stage nine cows implode.
But don’t be afraid the cows never sue.
And when they run around bare,
Eating things they find in their hair,
With pyrotechnics and elves with road flares,
(They’re the most.)

Flaming skull is ah band with four drummers named Eddie.
Flaming skull is ah band that plays baseball bats to.
And their CD torpedo has a hit song that's so neat-o.
I played it so loud with base drive that all of my Sea-monkeys died.

I sent the band money to buy the bands stool.
No its not a seat what you think I ain’t cool.

You say that they’ll lead us to ruin.
And I hear that Satan is thinkin’ of movin’.
Even he thinks that Hell will be ruined.
(When they get there.)

The Crash of 2008

I had a computer crash. After some weeks of fixing (and 3:00 A.M. nights) I am up and running.

This is what it looked like to me (well sort of).

Fatal error 2793-whatever. Translation: Virus snacking on hard drive.

Accessing fix commands Matrix as system help commands.

Find non-existing tool bar and sub menu.

Find plump chicken and sacrifice it. Sprinkle its blood on motherboard while swearing on a stack of bibles never to vote republican ever again.

By a cat then sell it.

If that doesn’t work do the same with a dog.

Option: cut of your left little toe only if you want the prestige fix.

Finally you may never eat another Hershey’s bar as long as you live…believe me we'll know!

Or if you have kids to sell you can call Technical support and find out what we find passable for English.


This is what it looked like to Daughter ZZ

When jumping through other peoples hoop’s doesn’t give you that I’ve conquered yet another computer glitch feeling anymore, make up your own.

Error! Computer doesn’t, “feel” like opening the program desired.
But, if you really want it that badly go into intelx part 3 in My Computer to reload all settings.

Error! Unable to locate intelx part 3.

Go into custom menus and select base hard drive.
Press Ok and please wait…

Hear a grinding sound yet?
That was your hard drive.

Popup
Additional options?
Cardinal operating system unable to find anything wrong with your computer.
To make something wrong may we suggest a liberal shower of Mountain Dew.

Congratulations, you have just turned your computer into a really big paperweight.

For further assistance please contact our help desk via 1-800-I GIVE UP.
We will have one of our many German associates get back to you.
Be prepared for a 6-hour musical hold of the Ghost Busters Theme Song.

If for some reason your computer continues to work for 5-hours, contact Dashtic enterprises for a complementary “Stick It To The Man” bumper sticker.


One of the real errors we got was very close to this below (I should have done a screen capture of it).

Library c++
Processing error:
Program terminated file in an unusual way please contact the support team for more information.

How on earth can a computer possibly experience unusual termination of a file, I mean isn’t it just “on” or “off” anyway? How can I explain this to you…oh, I know everything goes back to the toilet. If you were taking a dump at a 1 ten hundredth of a second and right in the middle of that you thought something was peculiar. Lets just put it this way the chances of this happening are 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000… (feel free to get up and grab a snack) to 1

Did you hear that? Our computer wanted us to contact this mysterious support team which apparently has all the answers. I can just picture it now “H…hello, support team? I just got an….um…error message, saying that I should contact you right away! H…hope I didn’t interrupt anything important” And how would you find this “support team” anyway? Yell real loud? Oh…wait…I know their poised in the box your computer came with ready to pounce at any hint of computer problems.

Error messages might as well just say this:
We have absolutely no idea what’s wrong…and we really don’t care!

Do computers reincarnate or do they just go straight to hell? And if they did reincarnate what in the world do they come back as?

Code Lyoko in French & English TOGETHER!

Daughter ZZ made a reeeeeaaally cool video! Mixing the French and English Code Lyoko theme together...Really ^__^

The Meteor

As I did walk yesterday along,
A meteor did fell.
To land upon my little toe,
With a mighty glow as well.

It burned right through my boot,
As my toe became a jell.
Which caused me great distraction,
And discomfort I might add as well.

But soon the pain will pass,
And seem a forgettable thing.
And I won’t tell a soul,
But I don’t think there’ll be a spring